Getting Back on the Bike

So how exactly did I get from there to here? From complete ruination of the human will to thrive to living a life worthwhile? The answer is complicated, and our path was a winding one, but in retrospect, a few things have proven to be game-changers.

A couple of weeks with a respite from the worst of brain injury symptoms does not mean that I am abruptly recovering. It simply means that I’ve been able to string together a decent number of tolerable days.

My relationship with clinical depression goes back almost three decades. For reasons that even those intimately familiar with brain injury would be at a loss to explain, my depression virtually disappeared after my injury.

I am one person who experienced a rather extreme trauma. I will always look at my life as “before and after.” I deem that to be a healthy mindset, one shared by most anyone who has lived through a life-altering event. But I’m tired of a mindset that separates me from the rest of humanity.

When I write, I write about what is happening in the moment, about what my reality is today. And today, well today I’m just not feeling the TBI love.

Summer is such a fun time of year. In fact, it’s my favorite season. What better time of year than to talk about suicide?

It’s a tough nut to swallow when you look back and realize with stunning clarity that the very quality of day-to-day life after a TBI is largely determined by how well insured you are.

I was finally able to do something that I’ve not been able to in several years. And I was able to do it with new hope.

Recovery from a brain injury is not an event; it is a lifelong process. Sometimes the truth will be easily digestible, while at other times, self-awareness is painful. But this is all part of the process.

Recently, life unfolded in a way I never saw coming. The raw, gut-level emotional pain was unimaginable. And for the first time ever, I decided that a topic was too raw, too real, and too emotional to even consider writing about. Until now.

Like so many others who share my fate, I get a bit reflective every year around TBI anniversary time. I now allow myself to look to the future with hope, a realistic hope that I will continue to heal. But there was a day that someone stole my hope and left me completely and utterly devastated.

A couple of years ago, I was not sure if I would be able to keep the gears of life turning. Time has shown that while the gears occasionally grind, they are still in motion. I am profoundly grateful for that.