The Truth About Divorce After Traumatic Brain Injury

Jeffrey Kreutzer, PhD, Jenny Marwitz, Virginia Commonwealth Model Systems of Care
The Truth About Divorce After Traumatic Brain Injury

Have you heard that the divorce rate after brain injury is really high? Have you read that the divorce rate for couples after brain injury is higher than the divorce rate for the general population? If you are a spouse or survivor of brain injury, you may be wondering whether your marriage is at risk.

Media reports suggest that as many as one half of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce. In fact, recent census data indicates that nearly half of all marriages will end in divorce. Believing that the divorce rate after brain injury is higher than the general divorce rate could be very frightening.

Research has given a mixed picture of divorce rates after brain injury. In the 1970s, researchers began to study post-injury divorce rates and found that 40% of couples were either separated or divorced seven years after injury. A review of studies published after 1980 shows alarmingly high post-injury divorce rates ranging from 48% to 78%.

There is little doubt that brain injury can strain marriages. Spouses often take on many of the injured person’s responsibilities, though they may have little experience with their new responsibilities. Unemployment rates after brain injury are relatively high and many insurance companies do not cover the costs of therapy, adding to financial stresses. Brain injury often brings on drastic personality changes which may include irritability, depression, limited awareness of injury-related changes, and argumentativeness. Some spouses have reported, “I’m married, but have no husband” and/or “I’m married to a stranger.”

Knowing the importance of marriage and the need to provide families with valid information, Traumatic Brain Injury Model System (TBIMS) researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) looked more closely at research on marriage after brain injury. They found that many of the earlier studies were carried out in Europe where the social and legal system is different than the United States. Furthermore, many of the studies relied on small sample sizes which may not accurately reflect the larger population.

In 2007, Virginia Commonwealth University TBI Model Systems researchers published one of the first comprehensive investigations of marriage after brain injury. The researchers gathered information from 120 people with mild, moderate, and severe injuries who were married at the time of their injury. Survivors three to eight years post-injury, averaging 41 years of age, were asked about their marital status. Results showed that 3 out of 4 (90/120) remained married at the time of follow-up.

As a result of their research, the VCU investigators became concerned that past studies may have produced misleading negative information. In their published research paper, the authors stated, “The present investigation does not [support] the notion that divorce rates for persons with brain injury are higher than those for the general population.”

In 2008, VCU investigators led a multicenter research team which investigated marital stability after brain injury. Information on marital status was collected at 16 NIDRR-funded TBI Model Systems around the country. This study was the largest scale study on marriage after brain injury to date and included 977 persons from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. The research team found that 85% of survivors remained married for at least two years post injury.

In summary, recent research suggests the rate of divorce after brain injury may, in fact, be much lower than divorce rates for the general population. The news is encouraging. While some spouses report more stresses and marital troubles post-injury, some report connecting with each other in new, positive ways as they face injury-related challenges together.

Marriage is clearly an important part of our culture and a major element of many people’s lives. Still, more research is needed to better understand how injury affects marriages and what can be done to preserve and enrich relationships. First, we need to better understand how the quality of relationships is affected in good and bad ways. Second, we must develop strategies to strengthen marriages so that both partners describe the relationship as positive and fulfilling. There is good reason to be hopeful.

Here are more findings:

  • 17% of survivors were divorced and 8% were separated, an overall
  • marital breakdown rate of 25%
  • male and female survivors had similar marital breakdown rates the more serious the injury, the greater likelihood of divorce; for example, on average, people who were divorced had been unconscious three times as long as people who were still married
  • age mattered; people who were older at the time of injury were much more likely to stay
  • married; no participant 60 years old or older was separated or divorced
  • length of marriage was important; people who had been married for longer periods of time before the injury were more likely to stay married after the injury; none of the couples married 30 years or more before the injury got separated or divorced.

Other important study results:

  • only 15% of subjects were separated or divorced
  • age was a very important predictor of marital stability with older persons less likely to divorce
  • male survivors were more likely to have an unstable marriage (i.e. to be separated or divorced) than female survivors
  • cause of injury was an important factor; persons who were injured as a result of violence were less likely to be married at follow-up
  • for minority group members, persons with more severe injuries were more likely to remain married
Posted on BrainLine January 30, 2009. Reviewed July 27, 2018.

References

  • Arango, J., Ketchum, J., Dezfulian, T., Kreutzer, J., O’Neil-Pirozzi, Hammond, F., & Jha, A. (2008). Predictors of marital stability two years following brain injury. Brain Injury, 22(7-8), 565-574.
  • Kreutzer, J., Marwitz, J., Hsu, N., Williams, J., & Riddick, A. (2007). Marital stability after brain injury: An investigation and analysis. NeuroRehabilitation, 22(1), 53-59.

This article was written by the staff of the Virginia Commonwealth Traumatic Brain Injury Model System. Article used with permission. Updated September 2010.

Comments (143)

Please remember, we are not able to give medical or legal advice. If you have medical concerns, please consult your doctor. All posted comments are the views and opinions of the poster only.

My folks have been married sense they were 18 years old. My father suffered two bleeding cots on his brain at one point he did not now who I was. Today they are in their late 70's and getting a divorce my mother has put my father in a nursing home and divided the properties, so I am told. This is hard on me for two reasons, one I am daddies girl, and two my partner suffered a massive stroke this Feb 2018 and he is not the same and we are having problems in our relationship. I am so overwhelmed.

What I experienced the other day absolutely had to feel like what it feels like when a spouse dies. When I woke up, I realized that my best friend, my strong, unselfish, helpful, resourceful, loving husband of 12 years was gone. It hurt so bad, and it was surreal. It's plain shocking. I'm sooo very grateful he is not dead! My husband had a stroke January 2017. He had some paralysis for a few months and lost his job and health insurance during the rehab time allotted. He was denied social security which was not the overall goal of course. He continued to rehab on his on refusing to go to a doctor and get rated for low income. During March of the same year, I became ill and continued to progress. I am a colon cancer survivor now plagued with gastroparesis and neuropathy of the stomach. I also am a veteran with PTSD. My health quickly deteriorates in June of this year. I am seeing my primary doctor to discuss feeding tube just to make it through winter to handle m' own end life affairs. My husband behaviors range from 10 yrs to 17 yrs old. He is 50 and I am 57. I tried to tell his family about his behavior and they attacked me, The saddest part of all of this is my husband doesn't remember me as his awesome loving wife whose been there for him and with him being everything a wife is suppose to be. He sees me as someone who doesn't like him. He doesn't understand that he's different. I had to get honest with myself real quick today. I did everything I could to get my husband to go to the doctor! He refused. At this time I'm too ill to deal with someone who ranges from 10-17yrs in behavior. My husband is in God's hands and so am I. God knows all about this and wipes my tears. I was able to convince him that bankruptcy was best, which will happen Monday and he started a new job recently. I only want the best for him. I am going for a divorce ASAP!!!! No room for counseling. My condition is too fragile. I feel for all of you and glad I found you. I hope later on my husband will remember that we were sooo happy together and we both just got sick and were incompatible. Maybe we could have a conversation one day :(

It’s destroying me and my family, Thankyou for sharing Xxx

I don't know if anyone still reads these but this is a real need to me... I'm 28 and my husband is 32 we have been married for 12 years and we have 3 young boys 7, 6, and 1 we had another child but he passed away in 2016 (we made it thru that tragedy together). Last month my husband was hit by a car while he was on a bicycle. He has severe traumatic brain injury and he was in a small coma from two weeks. He came out of it and at first was confused and sweet and kind but now he's still confused but mean, hateful and cruel. I love him with all my heart and he's the father of my children and I don't want to divorce him but he scares our children and he's mostly mean and cruel to me but sometimes he can be towards them. I don't know really what to do or if he will ever be my husband again. When I look at him I see and hear my husband but when I look at his eyes I see a complete stranger that only wants to hurt me and cause me pain and sorrow. I'm not the try to jump and divorce my husband just because of hard times but for the first time in my life he really scares me and I'm afraid to be alone with him... What should I do? Do I wait and give him time? Do I walk away now while I still can? My heart is saying one thing while my head says different. All I can do is cry I can't sleep I can't eat the only thing keeping me going is our boys and the thought that maybe he will come back to us if not for me then for our boys all they do is cry and want their Daddy's... I'm so lost please someone give me some advice... Please

If anyone is reading this looking for advice. I just want to say don’t stay for too long. Don’t stay beyond yourself. My spouse was in a motorcycle accident 1.5 years to the day after we were married. Those first 6 months of being a caretaker were hell. He was his normal loving self for the first two weeks but as time passed his mental state went down hill and his personality started changing. We were in our twenties. He is 5 years older than me and I was fresh out of college on my first job. I had moved 800 miles away from my family to start a new life with him. His family had a low opinion of me and he was always kind of the black sheep. Suffice to say there was no support for me as a caretaker. People always root for the survivor but very rarely for the caretaker. As his mental state declined I took on more and more roles breadwinner cook house keeper nurse entertainer social buffer financial planner auto mechanic and all around decision maker. He became depressed dependent needy sexually aggressive socially awkward dishonest disorganized angry and unwilling to help. Every thing became about him in his world and in mine too. He was always a brilliant and charming man. But as his mental state deteriorated it became clear that he had been using some of that charm and cleverness to deceive those around him. Lies that he had told me before we were married were uncovered and we began the difficult task of rebuilding our relationship mid TBI recovery. Almost a year later when he was released to drive and go back to work dishonest was discovered there too and he was fired. I had thought it was now behind us all but now that he was functioning enough to contribute to the household through chores or by getting a job he didnt. I accepted that his personality and abilities changed and encouraged occupational training or trade school. He tried a few part time jobs and eagerly accepted my offer to put him back through college. These all fell through for one reason or another. All the reasons why he couldn’t wouldn’t didn’t contribute became my or someone else’s fault. It was a six year struggle. I was always in care taker mode but as time went on he became more demanding. His family viewed our failing marriage as the fault of a tragedy and a unsubmissive wife. I became severely depressed and fought through it every day to go to work and provide for our family. I would only consider life for 5 minute sections of the day. I was having panic attacks 6 times a day and could barely think. He started using this against me to isolate me from my friends. He would say he would do something and then not do it. Then and tell me I had misunderstood or shouldn’t expect him to do it anyway because after all he had a TBI. He couldn’t do this or that because he had a TBI. It was my responsibility I was the more capable one anyway. I became suicidal and began cutting. I focused the issue inward. Then we tried one last go at trade school. He had to move into the dorms. I gained some personal space and began seeing this emotional abuse. When he didn’t do the assignments, flunked out and came home telling me it was my fault I didn’t feel guilty this time. I felt angry. The coin flipped and I was no longer on his team. I was desperate to defend myself and in my sleep my dreams became so violent toward him it scarred me and I considered suicide again. I sent him back to his parents and filed for divorce. It’s been a year now. As time goes on I feel myself healing from the scars of emotional abuse that I didn’t even know was there. I almost didn’t get out in time. CARETAKERS please don’t let this happen to you. Abuse from the survivor of a TBI is still abuse. Yes an injured person may suffer frustration and take time to regain the social skills to handle that frustration appropriately. Just make sure they have good intentions toward you before you sacrifice your self on the altar of their health.

My husband had a brain bleed 2 years ago. His personality changed. It will always be changed. He is still in a wheelchair and needs help eating. We had some arguments and anxiety and trouble regulating emotions the first 8 months. Now he does his work out twice a day and is content to watch TV the rest of the time. I try to take him out for a car ride now and then. Try to get him to sit out back on the deck in the sun and visit about our garden. Try to make new dreams with him. We are 49. He seems to live in the moment. He can remember the past very well. We havent had sex in over a year....not sure why...Our marriage wasn't the best before the stroke. In some ways it's better now....I think about leaving...I think about staying....It has been 2 years since his Brainstem Bleed. My husband got nasty with me and I left him with his mom for 2 months. He accused me of spending all his retire money. (It was spent on taking care of him 24/7). Once I came back he was nicer. He tried to rehash some stuff from the past and I told him I was sorry for hurting him and could we please move on and never bring it up again. He never has. Sometimes I wonder how much of a difference I am making. Would he even miss me when I am gone. I went to CA for a couple days and he kept his phone on the whole time and texted me! It was really sweet. He tells me....thank you my love....all the time....

To original comment poster; You expressed how I feel so well. We have lost everything except each other (in the flesh). My heart is broken. He is cruel. I am so sad.

First off, I’m so sorry for the tragedy you and your family have experienced, and will continue to experience. I see you and I’m with you and I’m sending love, wherever you are.

What you are feeling is all very realistic, rational, and (dare I say it) normal. I am not a medical professional, so the only advice I can offer is from a place of understanding: my husband experienced a severe TBI three years ago and was also in a coma (GCS of 3) for two weeks. Even with so much time having passed after my husband’s injury, he is still overcoming, re-learning, and compensating for the damage. At the beginning, what you describe in your husband also happened with mine - he was sweet at first, and then slipped into behavior that was aggressive, angry, and combative. But it wasn’t permanent, and through months of inpatient rehabilitation, and years of community care, that frightening behavior has mostly faded away. He is still impulsive, and argumentative sometimes, and in some ways the person whom I married will never return. I miss the old him everyday. But he’s a new version of himself, and there are many joys and (good) surprises with him. He’s a good man.

Your husband has age on his side. As he was injured riding his bike, I’m assuming he also has good physical health in his favor. One month post-injury is not a long time. There is a long road ahead but he’s got a few things in his corner already. What do his neurointensivists abd physiatrists say? Has he started physio yet? Even just a few minutes (more each day) of gentle physical activity, like squeezing a stress ball or sitting up in a wheelchair, might help stimulate his brain. But again, I stress: I am not a doctor.

Brain injury affects each person uniquely. To my understanding, there is no normal path of recovery - what happened with my husband over years may not be what happens with yours. Yours may improve even more! But I understand that you have kids to protect. It’s a traumatic situation for your entire family. My advice would be to wait to make any big decisions, like divorce, for two years post-injury. I was told that the timeline for understanding an individual’s TBI is 2-5 years, so I say wait the two years. With your support and patience, and with rehab and community care, your husband may be able to re-learn the way you and your family need to be shown love.

Do you have someone that you can turn to for support in all of this? A grief counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc? I’m sure I don’t need to say that your mental health is important to preserve and protect. What you have gone through and will continue to go through is traumatic and heartbreaking and you need someone to care about you too.

These days, my husband says the only reason he has recovered as much as he has (back to work, officially released from the hospital five months ago) is because I stuck by him and encouraged him, and sometimes pushed him with some tough love, every step of the way. The man you fell in love with and the devoted father to your kids is still in there: give him some time to come back to you.

Have you talked to your neurologist or a neuropsychiatrist that deals with TBI? My husband had a stroke 3 yrs ago and his personality changed and he used to use vulgar language, was mean and basically impossible. He is going to a psychologist now and they put him on some medication and he is doing quite a bit better.

Hi. My issue is my husbands symptoms showed up 8 1/2 years later. My husband had a brain injury about 13 1/2 years ago. A tree limb fell and hit him. He was in an a coma for about a week. He was nice and sweet and took a few months to get back to the way he was. It was about 8 years later I started seeing signs of depression and arguing about everything. I tried to talk to his neurologist and they wouldn’t listen. Privacy act. He started to get emotionally, verbal and mentally abusive to me and my 4 kids I’m still with him. It has gotten really bad. My kids are older now but they have changed because of it. You don’t want to walk away because you love them-husband but you have children. They need to be in a healthy environment. I have grown to resent my husband. I feel for you and please talk to someone professionally.

Can I get my marriage annuals because I had a crash and wasn't competent but 2 yrs , I'm competent and didn't realize I would never marry her and now she threatens me to take my money that has supported her and our 2 children, but marriage was never going to happen before my brain injury. I want an annulment

Hire a proven attorney with experience in TBI.

Can I get my marriage annuals because I had a crash and wasn't competent but 2 yrs , I'm competent and didn't realize I would never marry her and now she threatens me to take my money that has supported her and our 2 children, but marriage was never going to happen before my brain injury. I want an annulment

I am a caregiver to my husband. We were married 3 years when he had Encephalitis which causes an aquired brain injury. He is physically ok, but has short and long term memory issues, cognitive issues, emotional issues, as well as many other issues due to the brain injury. He is on disability because he can't work due to cognitive/memory problems. I work full time, an hour away from home, and he sits home watching tv and going on the internet all day. He can't really figure out the computer very well so is always asking me things (confused about his email and facebook). He has Erectile Dysfunction due to the brain injury but is obsessed with wanting to have sex. He joins dating sites, buys "free" - soon to be billed $79/month pills that he hopes will help. He is not really abusive, but basically acts like he's a kid. I FEEL like he's one of my kids, not my husband and I have no desire to have sex with him even if it worked!!!!! He is like a leach and when I get home from work, he sits right next to me on the couch, almost on top of me... lays his head on me like he's a child, has to ALWAYS be sitting right next to me so that I have NO personal space!!! I know he's craving attention from me but I just can't give it to him in that way... we hold hands, I hug and kiss him but I am not "in love" with him any longer. He also does NOT shower, because he forgets so sometimes he goes almost two weeks and I can't stand him laying his head on my shoulder because he smells!

He does the following around the house. Makes coffee, feeds the dog and brings him out, mows the lawn and snow blows the driveway. He has broken the lawn mower and snowblower SO many times it seems like any time he touches them something is broken and it causes SO much money to fix everything.

I am only 53 and he's 54. I am just so depressed with the thought of spending the next 10-20-30 years with him... I can't divorce him or leave him, because he always tells me "he wouldn't be able to live without me" and he sometimes thinks he would be better dead because he has lost the "old me".

I feel like i'm a horrible person because I should be happy that he survived the illness...

I wish there was a place to talk with others in the same situation... but everyone on here seems to be anonymous.

:( I am just so unhappy!

I know just what your going threw my husband off 15 years
had a brain tumor removed. I do everything work , housework , cook clean tell him to change his shirt, shave, wash hair.
Hes really mean to me since surgery/radiation.
He always keeps saying you can get sick too, he thinks i make no money and dont help at anything.
He cant work he cant drive. He dont want me to go anywere .
I have no friends . We have nothing together in the bedroom .
My life and his is upside down. Im heart broken and i love him dearly.

I agree and understand!

I forgot to say. In the UK we have a wonderful group called Headway (headway.org.uk) . As you have to blow snow from your drive I am guessing you are in America. Try googling ‘Brain injury associations/groups near me’, I would be amazed if there wasn’t a group within driving distance for you. If not, I am sure there would be some others who would love to join a group so why not set one up? Apart from anything else it will give you something to do.
Headway holds group meetings for tbi and abi sufferers and also meetings for their carers. The patient groups consist of a chat, coffee and therapy etc. The carers have comfort in knowing they are not alone.
Hope this helps.

Hi, I speak as the ex-wife (nearly) of a man who had a tbi. I also suffered the same ‘ I cannot live without you’ pressure in the early days. 2 years after my ex’s accident he had spinal surgery and then went completely mental ( can I say that?) . He became the abusive person he still is - 9 years later.
The only thing I can say is that if your husband was really suicidal, having you around wouldn’t stop him doing it. It seems to me that your husband has got himself into a bit of a rut and despite you providing the ladder for him to climb out of that rut, he is just sitting there. Maybe he is frightened, knows he will stop being the centre of attention etc etc if he becomes normal again. He also has you doing exactly what he wants you to. He is behaving like a child, so treat him like one. Take him to the shower everyday, undress him and make him get in. If he refuses, refuse to sit next to him and tell him he smells. If he really wants your attention he will shower. When you cook, as him to help - get him to peel the potatoes, cut up veg etc - imagine him being a child who is learning. You can’t expect a 13yr old to know how to use a potato peeler if he/she has never seen one used.
If this doesn’t work after 6 months, or less if he becomes abusive, move out and see how things go. He will either make a real effort or you’ll drift apart but either way I think you’ll be a happier person.

Are you still on here. Your story is very similar to my own.

I’m here as well...I haven’t posted on here before but I do read postings daily. I’m in the same shoes...my husband was 47 and I was 45 when he suffered a major stroke about 3yrs ago. I feel like so many others in the same situation...”wife...now defined as his caretaker”...please respond back if you would like to talk and that goes for anyone on this site...most of us could probably never imagine being where we are in our lives right now...but we are. Talking, venting, listening and exchanging information could help all of us. If anyone would like to talk then reply back and I will figure out a way to get you my contact info! Blessings to everyone!

I'm here as well...I actually could have wrote the story before yours, by "anonymous". Not easy to feel like this everyday! Would be great to share, and learn to deal with what has been dealt to all of us. Not getting any younger here, and nothing is going to ever get any better...as it has already been about 5 years. Not fair to "him" either to feel this way, but I do...and I can't change that. Does it make any sense to love someone, but not be in love with them....it's sad. Feeling obligated, and guilty for wishing I was not in this...Don't like who I am when I'm mean, say something mean, or frustrated with him...Not healthy for anyone!

I'm here if you want to talk?

I understand exactly how you feel, for a great deal of what you wrote it could have been me writing the story. My wife came down with Encephilitis almost 12 years ago now and she has came a long way from where she started but she is still not or never will be the person I married. Her craving for attention and being another one of my kids is exactly the way I feel and now my kids are all getting older and can all drive so they need me a lot less and are gone most of the time so that just leaves the two of us and unless I am sitting there beside her or at work she does her best to make me feel bad for not being right there beside her and sometimes it doesn't even matter that it's work. Like yourself I am 53 and she is 52 and to think that there is 20-30 more years of this or more is to say the least overwhelming in many ways!! Funny I still love her but not in love with her once you go into Caregiver mode the relationship changes and I'm not sure it can ever be the same again even if the Caregiver wanted it to. Wish I had answers for you because I have the same questions and the same feelings, I just want to be happy and I'm not sure that will ever be the case again other than for moments here and there. Thing is I really don't think there are any "good" answers and I will be the first to tell you NO ONE can judge whatever decision you make about staying or going unless they have lived it they can NEVER understand!!! Good luck and I hop nothing but the best for you and ALL of us here.....

Hi there I need to reply to ur story. I'm 42 years old my husband is 49 we have been together for 19 years married 10, back in February he suffered a stroke, it was a bad one that has effected him in so many ways. I came home a couple months after the stroke, I took care of him for a few weeks but I couldn't anymore, he's incontinent, can't walk well, it effected his cognitives, he can talk but stutters a lot, so I decided to put him in a nursing home. He's still there, I visit him everyday, stay with him an hour or two at a time, try and encourage him to get up and do more than watching TV, but he refuses. We have 4 children, two older ones that live outside the house and 2 that are still home, I've decided to go back to work which he wasn't happy about, but I need to. I've lost 45lbs, I'm independent now, raising the kids, feeling really good about how my life is going. I've come to the conclusion I'm not in love with him anymore, I feel horrible but that's how I truly feel, and don't want to do this anymore, my mom n older daughter are so angry with me, but why can't I be happy...

My step son in law tried to commit suicide after only 7 months of being married to my step daughter (I have had her in my life for 28 years, she is 34 years old now). She found him in their garage, with a heavy duty electrical cord on his neck) they are both RN,s. She got him down to the floor. Started CPR, called the paramedics. In several hospitals, they had to bring him back.....now 2 years later, he still has the brain injury, along with 2 other brain injuries from being in the Army. In Afghanistan......he can’t even walk, feed himself, go to the bathroom. Can’t see and his brain is a mess...she can’t do this any longer. And is going to file for divorce... this story is too involved...but he did it to himself and we don’t even know why.....he remembers some things,,,is on so much medicine....his parents have him in a private home now, with 24 hour care givers.....her heart is broken, she had him home for four months...she has to work and had a caregiver at her home....he gets angry at times and thinks he is somewhere else....I could go on and on....my heart goes out to all of you who have posted on this site....thanks for listening.

Have been in same situation for seven years now. I am 65. Do not feel guilty. You have a right to choose a healthy and happy life for yourself. It can be soul crushing to live with this day after day. Get out while you still can. Run don’t walk and don’t feel bad. It should not have to be a life sentence for you. The resentment will only get worse

When you were married did you get married in the church?
Also if so did you take the vows for better or for worse in sickness and in health. ?

I have been married for 20yrs. I am the baby in my family with siblings 16 yrs-7yrs older than me. My father was a minister & became disabled with MS when I was 10yrs old. My mother stayed by his side until he passed away 8yrs later. I saw 1st hand what it means to live the vows you take when you get married. Five years ago my husband had a horrible motorcycle accident that should have killed him. He suffers from short term memory loss. I have stayed by his side faithfully because I vowed before God to stay. I have been verbally & mentally abused for the last 4 years. My husband was the love of my life & I now feel like the man I married died that day. He has informed me recently that he wants a divorce & won’t go to see a counselor or a doctor for anything. I have committed my life to caring for him the last 5 years but he says it doesn’t mean anything to him & he doesn’t care. I have become a shell of my former self & my children, family, & friends all tell me that I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I believe 100% that God has the power to perform miracles but does He say I have to stay in a marriage with someone who has no respect for you & shows no love for you anymore? My heart & head are completely broken & I don’t know what to do anymore. I never wanted to lose the love of my life but that man isn’t here anymore.

What is your point?
In my case, it was my husband's self -destructive chain smoking that caused his brain aneurysm and his subsequent alcohol abuse that further destroyed his cognition. If he caused his poor health, does that still count as breaking my vows?

Furthermore, we are all here for support. Your judgemental comment is in poor taste and you should be ashamed.

One's belief in god, or lack thereof, or vows of marriage are none of your business and you have no right to even ask.

I don't know why religious people assume everyone is religious. No, I don't believe there's some twisted, jealous, vengeful, omnipotent being that controls everything. If he's in control now he's not very good at what he does so I'm not sure what the appeal is. I could go on forever. Saying "what about god" is so dismissive of a person and their problems. Not helpful.

Read your blog really sorry for you, my husband had a stage 4 aneurysm has come back fairly well.but he has some kind of dislike for me he always tells everyone I hurt him. I am on pension and have one adult son . Husband is living in a beautiful facility 4 minutes away. I live in our home but I want to change my life. I know he will not try return home. We can still have a life together but I find hard to be married to someone who is vacant. That sounds harsh , I have no friends and I resent being alone. However when I hear where you are at. I feel so badly for you. I guess feeling sorry for ourselves does no good.he left me with a mess I am slowly digging out . My life is good with my son but I look forward to him finding someone so he can enjoy his life. Why does a person have to live in such an unhappy state. The internet is. Quoting how things get better it does not sound like it.i am even scared to find some one else I do not want anyone else's problems. I was married 40 years worked hard now I have nothing to look forward to. I am so sorry for both of us but as I'm told by perfectly happy people that I am a pity party and get a life. Where does a person start. My husband thinks he is perfectly fine.

I am so sorry. I am going through the same thing and nobody understands.
I think about suicide a lot.
I can't just leave.
I might have to though.
I can't live like this.
He is emotionally empty.
This is not who I fell in love with.
I don't even know who this person is. I feel like I am a caregiver and roommate. That is all.
The man I fell in lobe with was a hard worker who helped pay the bills, he was a leader, very spontaneous and fun.
I am not attracted to this person.

Hi... I am in the same boat, husband had a stroke 8 years ago, I am his caregiver and am subject to his hostility on a daily basis. The thought of doing this for another ten years crushes me. Like you husband, mine thinks we should still be having sex but I absolutely can not, he is like a child to me, and he makes me feel guilty saying things like "you should be doing your wifely duty", etc. I cant go out the door without him saying I'm having an affair, (at this point, I would welcome the distraction).
We cant do vacations or anything like that because of his severe cardiomyopathy so I am starting to go by myself... He's somewhat independent and I really want out of this prison but the guilt of leaving a disabled man weighs heavy on me...what to do?

I'm sorry about your loss. I have been struggling with exact issues with my wife. She was injured in a car accident in 2000. Would love to chat. We live in Oregon. And I'm thinking about trying to dissolve the marriage.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He had TBI 4 years into our marriage, it’s not been 11 years since his injury and it’s been a rough ride. His loyalty, appreciation and all the love he gives me are the 3 things that keep me going every day. Unfortunately, they are not enough to be happy on the inside. Since his injury I’ve had to take on so many roles, I live my life and his. He is physically ok but can’t function accurately if he was to work so I work with him. He is a very smart man and has established our own business for us but he thinks of what needs to be done and I carry out the tasks since he can’t. So basically I do everything hands on except he gives the orders. My main problem is he forgets that I have 3 kids and they need me, only because he is trying so hard to make a living for our family. He is a great guy so please don’t misunderstand me. It’s just he’s because I am puke din many different directions. I hate that it’s always about him and he feels bad for himself but he doesn’t realize that his injury affected both of our lives. Our business isn’t doing well so we are now about to be out of business but the sad part is he can’t go get a job so I will have to. I have been having bad thoughts about our marriage and it makes me feel guilty but I am scared and I don’t want to think those thoughts. To the individuals who had TBI please remember you are not suffering alone, your spouse is suffering too. I suffer inside and I never show him but it’s eating me up and I am always stressed.

I experienced my TBI over a decade ago. I went through the usual: lost job, lost career, divorced, lost MUCH time with my son ..... and on. The ex-wife left at the four year post TBI point, after giving me a one day notice that she would be leaving. I admittedly had problems with memory, starting tasks, but my reasoning was still good, actually better than hers on many levels. PTSD from childhood emotional trauma started to control me after ex-wife left. I received EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and it worked very well. The memory issues were much improved. I was unable to read books for the first 10 years after my TBI ..... as I would even forget that I was reading a book. Now I am reading Tolstoy, complicated historical books, economics and on. But I lost some 15 years of my life, my son said he cares, but I never hear from him, and it is so hard to recover my social life as I had such a long period of recovery, and now I am in my mid 60s. I have friends that I have know for over 50 years, and I feel accepted, but I miss being being in a close relationship, and doubt it will happen. I have gratitude for what I have, but i feel soooooo lonely. I am not going to hurt myself, but many nights, I just wish I won't wake up. I just can't go on living like this. Of course, it doesn't help that my financial situation, though not desperate, is not what I planned, as I didn't work for 15 years, and not even sure what I can do anyway, Plus, even though I have a graduate degree, having a 15 year hole in the resume pretty much eliminates anything meaningful.

I wanted to post this in support of all the spouses on this comment thread. I was with my husband for 14 years, married for 3. He was a heavy drinker with DUI history. But what we had worked and I loved him. Then he rode his ATV drunk off a cliff and life changed forever. After months in ICU and therapy, insurance sent him home far too early. He was wild and uncontrollable with a mean temper and no patience to speak of. He eventually got back to work, was driving and doing great, besides the emotional and verbal abuse I sufferers daily. I put up with it for a while, knowing it would get better, but as he got better he saw less need for any therapy or medication, stopped going completely and eventually started drinking again. He stopped going to work, totaled his new truck and racked up multiple charges. When the threats turned physical and violent I got a restraining order and left. One year later and we are divorced. Just one year and a day since the accident and we were in court. It's hard because you feel like you are giving up. Or that people will judge you and think you are a monster (which they actually will). But I write this here today because lots of therapy helped me come to terms that my happiness and quality of life is just as important as his. He has family to support him. I don't have to put up with daily abuse. That wasn't in the vows. I know he can't help a lot of it, but there are things he could be doing which he just refuses to. He just got into another ATV accident one week after he got it back. I refused to sit around and wait for that next call. Please value your happiness and quality of life km as much as you do your spouses. You deserve some happiness too.

Thank you all for your comments. It can be so lonely caring for a spouse with a TBI. My husband's happened 5 years ago. Since then - he hasn't worked, he doesn't prepare his own food or meds, he doesn't clean or even pick up after himself. He won't go outside unless it's for a doctors appointment - which also means he won't take care of our two dogs. He can seem like a complete lunatic and somehow everything is my fault. If I buy him easy to prepare foods - he doesn't like them. If I cook extra at night for him to reheat - he can't find them in the fridge. Then he just starves himself and blames his "eating disorder" on me. Lately he tells me he's had several strokes. He hasn't. I feel guilty about not taking him to the ER (he does have a drs appt in a day) but he only wants to go at 10 PM at night or at 8 AM in the morning (when I need to go to work). I was recently hospitalized for concern about my heart. Everything was really fine - but he blew it up into this huge issue. Then he tried to make me feel guilty for being in the hospital and not taking care of him! I work 2 jobs, take care of EVERYTHING. I have to leave work to take him to doctors - and that has put my job (and our health insurance) in jeopardy. It is so very hard to not react to the manipulations, the guilt, the sorrow. I love this man. I still see glimmers of my husband from time to time. But - sometimes - I just want out. And then I feel guilty about THAT!. It's life - sometimes it hands you rotten lemons that you can do nothing with. The hardest part for me really: I lost my partner. The person I confided in, trusted, counted on. That man is gone. Now I have a 7 foot, 45 year old pre-teen that is argumentative about everything - and not a single soul to help me.

I feel for all of you, my story is much the same, my husband had a bad fall whilst working 700 miles away from home 2 years ago in our 19th year of marriage. He had a severe TBI (48 days PTA) we have 2 kids 9 and 11 at the time and living in NZ having emigrated 6 years prior from the UK. Already homesick and begging to go back he will not talk of it but carries on as if all is fine. I get no affection, thanks or appreciation for working 60 hours a week, to support our financially overstretched situation. I am so angry, his life insurance would not pay out as he had been drinking prior to his fall. My resentment and loneliness overwhelms me. I have my own medical issues and had to have surgery in November to remove a 4cm benign tumour from my thyroid which had been robbing me of energy for 12 years. But according to him I'm okay because I don't have a brain injury. Others do not realise how desperately awful this situation is, I take my vows seriously but I'm only 47 and really don't know if I can live the rest of my life in a sexless emotion free marriage. This 24/7 reality of him thinking inside a smaller square than everyone else's yet displaying an air of total arrogance is hard to bear.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years this coming August. In 2005 my wife had an SAH which left her suffering from hypersexuality, disinhibition, poor memory, poor higher executive skills and a number of other 'deficits'. As you can imagine her combination of problems has put immense stress and pressure on our relationship and we have had some incredibly difficult times. There have been many times during which I have wanted to leave. I didn't though and I would never judge anyone for doing so. For those in the early stages of recovery, say the first 6 years, I can only say that things will change, things will settle down. Things will never be the same but if you're able to accept the changes and be patient, it can get easier. I've been fortunate, over time I've been able to see more of the woman I married return to the fore. In that I've been truly lucky! Brain injury takes a long time to recover from and everyone close to the sufferer takes just as long to recover from the event. Be patient, be kind to yourself and remember, you can only do what you can do.

My wife and I were married for 25 years and never fought. She fell a couple years ago. I knew as soon as I saw her everything had changed. She was no longer loving or kind. Wanted to argue when she hadn't all those years before. I love you Darling. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. Sorry I couldn't figure out how to keep you from divorcing me.

I am a survivor of an industrial accident. I'm an Ironworker, I was operating a 80ft manlift when a 2500lbs steel beam fell from a crane landing on my head while I was wearing a hard hat, sending me crashing to the manlift floor, then causing the manlift to catapult me out of the manlift until my harnesses engaged sending me crashing back into the manlift floor. I have been diagnosed with post concussion syndrome, whiplash. There are times when I wish I was dead instead of surviving, because of all the stress I have caused in my marriage of 18yrs, I have a son who's 15 and testing his limits, and a 11 yr old daughter who is so sweet and kind, it makes me cry just thinking about her. My wife has become so judgmental of my actions and attitude. She doesn't even trust me in parenting issues. There is no reasoning with her, its "no, that's not right." The yelling only starts when I tell her something that our son did and she doesn't believe. Why would I lie about our son?! Sometimes the pain is uncontrollable I can't sleep, Dr has tried different meds, but I just get side effects, and Hulk like mode swings, so far Tylenol 3 seems to take the edge off but not entirely. I hate seeing the tears roll down my wife's face when we argue, but I also hate how I'm not trusted or believed. Its seems like there's no end or relief of this pain.

Hang in there and try to be understanding. My husband had an injury 3 years into our marriage, it’s been 11 since his injury. It’s hard because I as a woman had to take on so many roles. It can be very frustrating because the injury doesn’t only affect you but also affects her. Try to be patient with her, if she is still around then it means she loves you.

I'm sitting here at 6 am in the dark trying to be alone. My husband with TBI keeps coming out sure I'm up to no good and refuses to go to bed unless I do. He just stares at me confused and I hate him. I feel so guilty but I truly do. Hugs everyone I'm going to cry for us all

It's impossibly hard. The survivors are masters of disguise. Us spouses are left looking like we're crazy. Everything is our fault. Nothing we do is enough. If we suggest things to help them, we're horrible and judgmental. The agony of everyday and the pain of trying to make things normal for the kids is exhausting. It reminds me of my constant failures. Everything I say is wrong, nothing I do is right. His weight gain and lack of anything other than the tv and his iPad are my fault too. I miss feeling cherished. I miss feeling important. Now I run the house alone and am judged by how I do it - while he does nothing. I miss who he was, which is becoming harder and harder to remember who that was. He's no longer kind. Or loving. He seems to cherish being mean to me. And I made a vow, which is hard to keep on the rare occasion an attractive man pays kind attention to me.

My boyfriend has TBI. We have been together 28 years and he had a brain haemorrhage 5 years ago. I have him but I don't. He is here but he is not. I love him and sometimes I just can't stand him! I feel horrible saying this. It is sooooooo hard. I am 44 years old and I really don't feel like I have a life or am living. It is all about him and how he wants things. There is no flexibility, no seeing or feeling what his behavior is like for me. I listen to him and think this is so NOT the man I had. I am tired and currently am working so little because mentally and physically I'm exhausted. I can't handle much but have to keep on going. I don't see a way out as we have been together for so long and the guilt the guilt.... I don't think I can handle that on top of how I feel now. He tries his best to be caring and loving and then all of a sudden I have done something wrong! Again..... I always do, say, am, look, etc wrong! This happens when he is tired or irritated about something and he takes it out on me. If things don't go his way, how he wants it or how he thought then I have done it again. I have always done it. It makes me miserable, lonely, hurt and so angry. I want a life and a man that is at the same level I am! There is no girl/boy man/woman relationship here. I take care of as best I can which is only the necessary. I feel that that is all I am needed for and all I am here for. I hate writing this as I hide my feelings and am not someone to do this but after 5 years and yet another argument about yet nothing I am miserable, yet again!! I hate my life as is and just don't have the guts to leave him...

I am posting this for people who been posting comments and feeling discouraged, maybe thinking you are alone or you are doing something wrong-- As a psychologist who works with TBI patients and their families I find this article to be sorely misleading and lacking in providing a "truth" about marriages after TBI. This is a summarization of the recent research, so perhaps there is more information to glean from the actual articles. However, as it is here it looks like they only considered black-and-white evidence: still married or not. For those who are still married I would like to see data on the rated level of satisfaction with the marriage. If satisfaction is high or acceptable what factors contributed to that? If the satisfaction is low or unacceptable why are they choosing to stay married? Of the marriages that ended in divorce, even those that are intact for that matter--to what degree did they have family and marital counseling and education about learning to cope with life after brain injury?
I would like to pose the interpretation that another reason we may be seeing a decrease in divorce rates after brain injury as compared to the past is that of simple time and advances in our understanding of what to expect and how to cope with it coupled with families having access to that knowledge and outside support from the medical and behavioral health community.

I'm the one with the TBI and my husband has been so emotionally abusive through this all. It's been 6 months so far and he is impatient, condescending and mean. We're trying to work through it but he wants me to give him the emotional support he needs to deal with a wife that isn't running at full speed but I can't. I can't even support myself. After my injury, I became severely depressed and suicidal. I'm in therapy to handle it so I'm not in danger but during the worst of it, I couldn't lean on him for support because he was too busy yelling at me for everything I do wrong. I'm so tired and defeated everyday because everything I say and think is wrong because of the TBI and it's so hard to have someone that expects you to be right as rain. I know it's hard to understand it from the survivors side but trust me that they can't totally understand it from the other side either.

I am going through the same thing as a survival of a tbi. My husband is the most wonderful person in the world to me however he is the biggest a** there is!! His patience with me is ridiculously annoying!! All he does is judge me and yells at me. He is so mean and everything is my fault. Our children even sees the unfairness of everything. Throughought all my tbi dysfunctions (can't drive) I am the best wife and mother I can be. My children love me and will do anything for me because they see my struggle and they also see my drive to be the best mother and wife I can be!! I cook, clean, work, handle my kids, satisfy him and a bunch more but it's like something is always wrong!! What I do is never enough in his eye sight!! And we had a remedial argument this morning and his threatened me with leaving me!! Oh my how tired I am of hearing that!! Help!!!!

My husband had a TBI a little over 4 years ago I thought reading other's comments would help me - it just validates what I feel. At first when he would take his meds he was easier to deal with but he said it just made him want to sleep and maybe that was how it was easier – less waking hours of him yelling at me or my oldest child about how worthless we both are.  When he doesn't take his meds then he is a horrible person to me. We go out with friends -he laughs has fun is the life of the party - the drive home I am told of all the things I did that embarrassed him - such as I laughed loudly and I did it to embarrass him and prove I could do anything I wanted. Well two fold one I was just laughing with my friends the only relief I ever get and then I get told that I made a fool out of myself that all of my friends think I am crazy. I keep his TBI to myself - I don't want to burden my friends with my life - it’s just too hard. He is not the person I married and if he were this way before the TBI I would have divorced him. I feel obligated - for better or for worse - for the children and the family - to death do we part - but my life is miserable. I am made to feel like I am horrible - tonight we were playing cards with our children and he just went on and on about me - how stupid I am - do I really think this or that - blah blah blah - I am seriously tired, I work 60 hours a week to support us, and come home and the house looks like someone spent all day just making a mess - so I clean the house - and then it's finally time for bed - with a little more cruising about me and my bad attributes. I don't know why he has to hate me - I have tried everything I can - I have been patience - kind – supportive tried to get him all the help I can find. I don’t talk back when he starts in on me in hopes that it won’t last long – but it just goes on and on and then he will finally stop. I sit there and think are you really going to live the rest of your life like this – we had a good life – but this is not the life I want – this is not the man I married – do I just divorce him and move on – I know if I leave then he will be sad and depressed we did that for the first two years – but this is really not fair and after 4 years I can’t make it any better – it is starting to make me a miserable person. Do you think I can leave him – and be happy – he has talked me down that sometimes I truly question if I am wrong  - at least people who live with someone with a TBI understand the hatred that they give their spouse. 

Pages