Life after brain injury remains a bit surreal. One might think that after fifteen years, I would have mastered the subtle nuances of this second life, but not even close. Thankfully, the mourning is over. I spent many, many years missing the life I used to live. But the passage of time is a bit of a double edged sword. With every year that passes, I get older. But the other effect of the passage of time is that my past life slips further away. For several years now, I’ve forgotten who I used to be. You can’t mourn someone that you don’t even remember. I’ve come to accept this as part of the healing process.
I deem it to be a healthy attitude toward life and one that honors who I am today. But occasionally, I am reminded that I live on a different plane than the neuro normals of the world. While my injury is invisible, the effect of it often rears its head at unexpected times.
For many years, I’ve come to rely on my Google Calendar to fill in the blanks of my memory. Instead of trying to remember dozens of dates, times, events, and other things that are noteworthy, I only need to remember one thing. I just need to remember to check my calendar. Thankfully, I’ve gotten good at that, rarely missing a day. And here’s where it gets fun.
On Mondays, I scan my calendar for the week, noting events of significance. Recently, doing my standard Monday scan, I saw an event noted by two words: Order This. Suffice it to say, I was intrigued. When I share that I can hide my own Easter eggs and still need help finding them, I am not exaggerating. Words like Order This capture my attention rather quickly.
Clicking on the calendar post, I saw the note that I left for myself sometime last year. It appears that sometime last year, I discovered a specific type of plant for our landscape that was best planted in early May. I noted the plant species, recommended planting date, and best time to plant. Knowing last year that this information would show up during planting season, I promptly forgot about it. Funny thing, the reminder wasn’t really a reminder, as I have zero recall of even adding it to my calendar. It’s more of an announcement.
In another sure sign of growth, having no memory of adding this to my calendar doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve come to accept the quirks of living with the long term challenges of having a brain injury. To say this a bit more succinctly, I’ve got better things to worry about.
This weekend, Sarah and I will head out to find Feather Reed Grass for our yard. We might chuckle about never having heard of it before, both of us knowing that it was probably something we discussed sometime last year, but that is also another sign of healing. We playfully joke about things that might offend the sensible minded. Humor is healing.
But all is not completely lost in the memory department. Last month, I completed an eight month class. It was a smaller group, roughly ten of us in class. Every week we met in the basement of a local church, and all wore lanyards with our names on them. Somewhere in month seven, I realized that I finally knew everyone’s name by heart, something I was so excited about. Everything takes longer than it used to. Things were simple and easy in my pre-injury life. But that’s okay. This is the only life I’ve got and I’m making the most of it. So far, so good.
And if you are wondering what a 64 year old guy was doing in class in a church basement for the better part of a year, I was taking what is called an OCIA class. Part of my journey post injury now includes having a religion for the first time in my life, something that has brought me profound peace. As I continue to move forward, I steadfastly refuse to stagnate. I will continue to learn, to grow, and to explore all that is possible to help me live my best life. I am worthy of it, and those closest to me deserve the best version of me possible.