Times certainly feel more than a bit uncertain these days. World conflicts, divisiveness, and other events in the world at large seem to be ramping up at unprecedented speed. It’s cause for concern for anyone with a heartbeat. But living with a brain injury changes things in ways I never envisioned.
I learned firsthand the challenges of losing my verbal filter. Stand in front of me in the 12 items or less line with 14 items, and I wouldn’t be shy about expressing my dissatisfaction, often quite verbally. For the first couple of years after my 2010 brain injury, I was a loose cannon. Sarah had a legitimate reason for being concerned about taking me out in public. Almost fifteen years later, we’ve learned to laugh at those early unfiltered experiences, but at the time, there was nothing funny about it.
However, there is another filter loss that not too many people seem to talk about, the loss of my emotional filter. In my pre-injury life, I was able to watch the news without issue. In fact, I was a self-described news junkie. I took great pride in being well-versed in happenings both worldwide as well as in our small New Hampshire town. But brain injury is also a thief. It stole my ability to be neutral while watching events in the world at large. What it took me years to realize is that my emotional filter was also shredded after my injury. It’s like that layer of emotional cushion that protected me was ripped off like a mental band-aid. And the results are … complicated.
It's as if I feel more deeply than I ever have, like someone pumped up my empathy a hundred-fold. This new level of compassion is often a gift. I can connect with people like never before. Give me ten minutes with someone I’ve never met, and we can become a quick study in fast friendship. It’s this loss of my emotional filter that has been a gift in my advocacy work. If your struggles are even remotely similar to mine, we’ll connect.
There is a flip side to this coin. These days, events come to pass in the world that break my heart, often leading me to tears, to the point of complete and utter despair over the current state of humanity. My eyes weep, but so does my soul. And in the end, my mental health suffers. Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of living in the solution. While there is very little impact I can have on the world, I have made changes in my life that have enabled me to better coexist in a world that often defies understanding.
Getting to this point has been a several-year process. A couple of years ago, I gave up watching the morning national news. Gayle and Tony never even noticed that I was gone. For a few months, I had the itch to jump back into the morning news, but I stuck to my choice. As someone who also lives with PTSD, I may have lost the national news and all the associated in-your-face images that can bleed the hope out of any day, but I gained 20 hours a month of time to spend elsewhere. I am pleased to say that I have no regret, and that my life is infinitely better because of it.
I wasn’t done yet. Most days I would watch the evening news, sometimes just the local news, and when time allowed, I added in the evening national news. Why would I? I certainly didn’t want to miss anything! As the benefits of my morning news fasting became clear, I decided that it was time to up my game. As you most likely already see where I am going with this, I did, in fact, stop watching my evening news. This was an easier task as I already knew the benefit of less negative input. And like my morning choice, this second choice gave me even more of my time back.
The need to not feel left behind in a world moving forward at light speed still remains. It’s no less important to me today to feel like I am up to date on current events. These days, I have a couple of impartial news apps on my phone. I sheepishly admit that I still check in with the world a couple of times a day. Most of the time, I only read the headlines. If there is something that I feel the need to know more about, I might read the first paragraph or two. Then again, I might not. It feels like the proverbial sweet spot. I know what’s happening in the world, but I am no longer swimming in a news stream that wants to drown me.
My extra free time is a gift. I now have more time to do the things that are good for me. More time gardening brings me joy, peace, and lots of fresh vegetables. I have a smaller circle of friends that I see on occasion. With less exposure to all of the negativity, I am a better version of me.
In the final analysis, we are all really the sum total of our life experiences — what we see, how we spend our time, how we consume news, they all go into shaping who we are, our attitudes, and our worldview. Civilization of late hasn’t felt so civil. But my mental health, in this moment, feels okay. It’s not by chance, rather it’s the result of the work I’ve done and the choices I’ve made. I’m an older guy with a brain injury in a world of uncertainty, and I’m a happy guy. That pretty much says it all.