9 Things NOT to Say to Someone with a Brain Injury

For the attorney responding 5/13/15:  I was an attorney when I suffered my severe TBI in a car wreck 20 years ago.  My career path nose dove, and I retired.  I understand your comments (multitasking is no-go), and I too appreciate simple things (mostly outdoors).  Don't waste time thinking about the past or persons' perceptions.  Just focus on finding and doing what makes you feel accomplished.  You CAN do this!  (That person who got through 3 lousy years of lawschool 'ain't' gone.  Think about focusing him/her on finding a way forward.  ie. New facts (TBI) but same law (guts bring glory).  Good luck, Counsel!

All of these things can be annoying for sure.  For me almost anything that starts "You JUST",  is the kind of thing that makes me feel like kicking some ones ass.                        A speech pathologist, at group use the 'JUST', work over and over talking to me one day. That was the last time I went to group.                                                                   I JUST needed to make a list.                                                                                 I JUST needed to make a schedule.                                                                       I JUST needed to get organized.                                                                             I JUST needed to make a plan.                                                                                                                                                                                             Maybe, I JUST needed to to him to shut his mouth.                                                                                                                                                                             I have marked loss of parenchymal tissue, gross appearance of encephalomalacia, gliosis and glial scarring, bilaterally in my frontal lobes. A 1x11/2 cm hole in my Rt. temperol lobe.     Lets see that is my planning/organizational, executive functions, and good old memory.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              W.T.F

Some stuff so true to me. Thanks for sharing.

A few years ago I could memorize everything I needed for a court trial with no notes.  Now I have a one task brain in a multi-task world.  It forced me into retirement and a very simple existence.  Most days can be so frustrating it's beyond explanation except to shout and curse for a while.  I've lived in this different world for 2 years now.  The damage is permanent.  I enjoy the simple things now.  The laughter of my kids, a sunny day, just whatever.  Those who don't know this world expect me back to work soon.  If they lived a day in my head, they would not ask questions like that.  

Another thing to add would be "have you noticed this is all you talk about" i don't know about anyone else but this has made me super insecure and scared I annoyed people. I basically woke up in rehab and was forced to withdraw from college for the semester and stay at home alone. My family has told me that it's not annoying and it makes sense that it's all I talk about because it's all I have that it going on but it still sticks with you. Of all the things I forget so easily I can't forget that.

Me Who am I? I hear myself speak yet I don't recognize the voice . The words I once spoke are lost inside my head , I have to search and search. I look in the mirror and I see me ,yet I know something is different,but I can't tell you what . I know I'm different! I look deep inside for me, I try so hard but I am lost, I am there I just don't know where. For I am lost inside myself. I cant find words, I don't remember when or even where . I cry and cry, I ask myself,why has this happened to me !.. I was sharp, I was bright. I once had fight I had no fear . I never said, I can't! I just did it.. I was neat! I was organize..I knew where everything was. I was Great with money ! I Knew where every penny was spent..I Loved to have fun,and play ! But now it's gone! I won't stop working for the mind I once had. I won't stop working to be the Me I was! I want my Confidence back! I can't go forward for I'm afraid, I fear I'll forget the me I once was. I must be brave! The me I am I'll never except! I am different now. I want Sherry back!. So forgive me if I repeat myself I'm not being rude if I dont Know where or cant remember when. Forgive me,I might not even Remember you! I barely know who I am, since that Aug. night some guy blew through the Red light ! Im trying hard to find Myself... I won't give up until I break through This fog in my mind and I'm the me that I once knew!A better me will do! Old me or new I will get there. I am lucky to even know I am here! I will get there, hard work and lots of prayer! Sherry !! 2006.

Everything I read in this article is me. My daily life is throwing theses symptoms at me regularly. Although I feel ok I find it tough to deal with. It's just one small piece of a bigger circle.

So true, people just don't understand what we go through, everyday is different and a struggle but you do your best and just tell yourself it's going to get better just take time for the brain to heal. You just got to stay positive and pray everyday that your brain will heal. Life is good even living with a brain injury just got to take it one day at a time.

Most common thing my family and roomates say are "I'm just lazy and stupid"

People don't give a s****.  That's the problem.

The man I love has a pretty severe TBI from an accident eight years ago. He is great because he ended up being the guy with the perpetually great attitude and wonderful spirit. His memory is bad and he can't remember more than 15 minutes. He remembers better for me. When we first met his memory was a few seconds. His sleeping habit is pretty bad but I think he gets enough sleep overall. The main obstacle we have is outsiders. Too many NOSEY people who don't get it, or don't understand how this works. A lot of my friends don't understand how this makes me happy. You just have to ignore other people and live your life.

Ive recently begun a relationship with a man who has TBI. He was in a car accident years prior to meeting me. The past months have been fine, but the past week has been extremely difficult as hes been very much different. Slow slurred speech, the only way to describe it is a "drunk" like state. I can barely understand him. I try my hardest to help, and to understand and allow him to be independent. IF anyone has any advise to give please do so.

To the people who replied to my question and request for advice on how to support and reassure my husband following his accident - thank you so much. I have read both replies over and over and will take and use your advise. Thank you for taking the time to help Many thanks

To the lady about her husband (January 17th 2015; 4:31 pm)...I sustained an ABI about 5 yrs ago along with both my children.  We have gone through quite a journey just as you and your family are.  We were told that my son would never pass a 6th grade level and he has blown all the doctors away with his continued development that should NOT be possible..currently he is 15 and is totally in love with QUANTUM PHYSICS of all things! Total miracles...but certainly not without MANY challenges.
I applaud you for your incredible faithfulness to your family!  Stay the course...many of these things will subside with time but of course you cannot ignore them while they are present.  I have found that most ABI/TBI issues the patient suffers through have an element of truth in them and the injury is blowing it out of proportion.  I don't mean that you would actually leave husband, I mean that he has a genuine belief that's at the core of his issue, but it could be incredibly small in reality or more likely, that the belief is NOT ABOUT YOU, but more about him...he can't understand how you could possibly want to stay with him.  Many people think that they're value to their family has to do with their ACTIONS...the things they provide for the family.  Therefore, when injured like your husband is he may not be able to understand how you could possible have ANY true feelings for him other than pity (and men especially despise pity).  By your comments it seems obvious that his true value to you has NEVER been what he can do for the family (those are just needed perks) but rather just simply HIM!  We don't usually talk about it this way, but for many the highest value their significant other holds for them is "to be KNOWN" by that person.  Actions can be replaced in other ways...things he used to do, but for you NO ONE can replace being known by him.  If you agree that this is how you feel (or something similar) then getting him to understand that his value has ALWAYS been this to you, then it might help him with those feelings.  I have struggled through these feelings myself and have felt like an empty shell of a person without real value.  But realizing what I just mentioned was huge; understanding that my presence holds emotional, mental, spiritual ties in place for my family and that there is no greater value than that!
All that being said, if he isn't already, at some point he will probably deal with the very idea of being known himself, because for him this has all changed now.  Having walked through this so far, I believe that our core personalities may not necessarily change, but the bridges we have used to express ourselves have been destroyed.  It takes a newborn many years to develop ways to communicate but we expect that...after something like ABI it takes years to find alternate ways to communicate ourselves again, but we don't realize that so added to that journey tends to be fear, anxiety, anger, depression because we don't understand what's going on and if we will get where we need to be to ever feel normal again.  But it's just a new normal...he gets to explore and find new ways to express himself.  It's hard, but it's worth it! The brain is incredible...its greatest strength can also its greatest weakness...belief!  Right now it sounds like you have an incredible amount of belief...keep pouring it on him!!!

i had a brain tumor when i was 5 years old

balance, concentration and memory used to be the only problems i had... untill the last year or two

speach, and words coming out, i have myoclonic minifits caused by tremours, and my hearing is damaged from the radio therapy...

i'm trying to not give up on things and am getting help from my mum with filling a housing form out...

to all the survivers out there i wanna say a big GO YOU!! :)

Ive had 2 brain tumours removed, 1st at three & 2nd at eleven, l cant even get out of bed some days, l now walk with a crutch

I know a few people who need to read this and realise how I am affected by my condition.

Having suffered an ABI early last year I can really relate to some of these things - particularly everyone saying "you seem fine" when you feel like you are struggling! 

In response to the lady who wrote a comment on 17th, 2015 at 4:31pm about her husband who is recovering from an ABI, I'm not an expert but I wanted to reply with my thoughts and hopefully help in some little way. Both you and your husband sound like incredible people. Him for battling against all odds to make such an amazing and quick recovery. And you for being there supporting him throughout. My advice (as I say I am no expert so take what advice you want and ignore the rest!! And all I know of your husband's ABI is what you have said in your comment so I may get things totally wrong)...my advice to you would be to read as much as you can about brain injury. You are probably doing this anyway as you have found this website but get to the library and find books on brain injury and look at the Headway website which has some good leaflets to download. This will help in your understanding of what your husband might be going through. Everyone experiences a brain injury differently but maybe he doesn't yet have full insight? He is possibly still realising/coming to terms with his situation? And low self esteem, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts are all common effects of an ABI. It's still very early days for him and he probably has a long recovery journey ahead of him. Try not to be too upset by his words and not take too much of it on yourself. He's in a safe place right now and hopefully as time goes by he will start to gain a better understanding and insight and see that you really are there for him. Keep telling him how strong and determined he is and celebrate all his achievements no matter how small and hopefully he will begin to take it on and feel a greater sense of self worth. 

Would he be able to access a counsellor? Maybe through the hospital or Headway? Then he can talk about his worries to a professional who can help him explore his thoughts. And any information about the ABI that he could take in could be useful too...like those Headway leaflets...before I saw those I didn't understand what on earth was happening to me and why I felt certain things. It was like a light switch was turned on when I read them, 

And maybe you could look at some counselling for you to help off load your worries and all the emotions you have had to deal with? I imagine Carers UK have a helpline...maybe you could start there??  And can a friend watch the kids now and then so you can have some "me" time? A nice bath or just an early night? Look after yourself and you will be able to look after your husband best.

And what do you do when you go to see him? Could you do some simple crafts together? Listen to some nice music? Read stories/the news? Skype a friend? Can he mobilise/be taken on a wheelchair outside for a wander around the hospital grounds? Maybe doing something nice together would take his mind off things and you could enjoy having a laugh together. 

Just ideas...but I hope they might help. I still have a long way to go on my recovery but for all the things I have lost I have gained an even stronger relationship with my partner and a real appreciation for life and the beautiful things and people in life. Good luck on your and your husband's journey. The world is on your side xxx 

I was run over by a car at the age of 11, the car was doing 60 - 80 km/h and as a result of the accident i got a sever brain injury and the most annoying thing about people that don't understand the feeling of having a brain injury is that they think your incapable of doing things for yourself because you have a injury. And when you get called a retard and mocked because you stutter words constantly but you can't help it because its now a part of you. Or when you have a shorter temper than most people and snap or when you have problems that are affecting your family so much that they can't take being around you and separate because you are too much of a burden to them.........

Having a brain injury is the worst thing in the world, it ruins your life.

Mental retarded because they stutter their words out and keep repeating the same words until they can get it out

August 19,2009 I was rear-ended by a woman texting and driving at highway speeds and I was at a dead stop. The impact sent the rear drivers side tire into mt back and caused the shock to explode sending parts into my head. By the time the reached me my heart had stopped and I was not breathing. I was fortunate to be resuscitated but I lost 7 weeks of memory and those memory issues occur absolutely every day. I am constantly retracing my steps or re-reading the same paragraph over and over until it sinks in. I used to be an avid reader and I think I miss that part the most. Some days I feel like throwing in the towel but I refuse to let this ruin me!

Hi my name is dave. I sas assaulted seven years ago. And it has completely wrecked my life. I have spent so much time in mental health care due to taking overdoses and alcohol abuse. My family say I am lazy and useless and have never given me any support. I now live alone and very often wonder if it is worth going on. I fall in love with every woman who is understanding and kind to me. But I am 52 and most of the time they are to young for me and I have to keep away as they dont realise what I am feeling.and I get very depressed. These women are all in health care as I dont have any freinds does anyone else suffer from the same problems thankyou dave...

Background: I was a timber feller for a logging company and in 1999 i was hit by a widow maker. I wasn't even actually working at that exact moment; just happened to be standing under a tree which a brisk wind shook a dead limb out of which struck my hard hat. Out of these 9 things i get told all but number 7 & 8 frequently. Mostly from my wife. The one that really pisses me off the most is the "you're lazy" comments! I'm not lazy and I'm actually a hard worker. It's just hard to stay focused and keep interest in what I'm doing. If I were lazy I wouldn't have returned back to the same job, which by the way is the hardest job I ever had in my life, just 2 month after spending 2 weeks in the hospital, and do it for another 2 years until I screwed my back up and could no longer do it. I am even guilty of one of the things. I tell myself often that I am lucky to be alive, but then I immediately go to the other end of the spectrum and start thinking "no, maybe you would've been better off if it would've killed you then your loved ones wouldn't have to go through the after effects". And that is weird because the after thought always comes in that way...not i maybe would've been better off, rather "you would've", and "then your loved ones", so that tells me that something off because of the way my brain goes from as if I'm saying it to myself to immediately as if I'm saying it to someone else.

I live with post tbi now due to a horse accident, the horse fell over on top of me and slammed me head first to the ground. Life isn't as easy as many may think on outside looking because they do not know what we who live with this do feel, and for myself most days can feel like being stuck in your own body watching the world knowing what you want to say or do and know how it needs to be said or done but still can't get it right that is a life of hell some days. This is a great article for many to read and I myself have educated myself so I know what I, dealing with and try to show others so they know and can handle dealing with me but sometimes not even that helps because people choose not to deal with the changes that come with post tbi so I do deal with many people in my world who do not care to adapt to life after so I now raise three kids on my own for most part and as if I never had this happen and that isn't easy but for these babies I keep going and keep trying to live life as normal as possible 

Unless you have a traumatic brain injury you'll never understand what it's like to lose everything that you into and you are never the same again, you are FOREVER CHANGE...but I'm glad it happened to me instead of my two sisters. But most of the time they don't understand!!