9 Things NOT to Say to Someone with a Brain Injury

I have had almost all of them said or done to me and I think I am emotionally strong considering that I just went through an abusive relationship before the head injury.

I have had every one of those things said to me except "let me do that for you". I was told by my doctor that "your just getting old". Today I was with a friend and they said that I was just letting fear get in the way (I have a TBI & PTS) and I need to just go out and get a job and quit limiting myself and think positive. I am now a mess and trying to stop beating myself up for being a negative and lazy person. People have no idea how damaging their words are to those that have no support system. Now I'm trying to dig myself out of depression. TBI has taken so much and it is difficult enough because I was a very motivated positive person prior to my car accident. I lost my job, receive not income or disability, in the process of losing my house and the advise I get is "snap out of it".

My issues after TBI are primarily inability to function.  I cannot pay bill, the process of it, online or the old school way.  I cannot keep the house clean because I get overwhelmed, distracted, and fatigued.  I cannot negotiate the demands of relationships, the pressures from others to be Mary Sunshine, "get over it", and to "be normal"; and their anger,coldness and punishing behavior increases the level of my symptoms more than words can say.  I am seriously considering leaving my marriage of 31 years.  It has been 10 years, and my husband's anger towards me when I fail to live up to his expectations has evolved into my being on the receiving end of verbal abuse, emotional abandonment, and an overall condescending and cold manner towards me.  I am on medication to control the personality changes that caused me to feel anger and act out in ways that were God awful.  I have worked my butt off to become a person who does not act out in that way. If anything I am more controlled now than before TBI.   Now HE yells and screams and acts "bat shit crazy". Does anyone else have family that is angry 10 years after the fact.  I feel so helpless and sad that I am in this spot after decades of marriage.  Ugh!  I have to make a choice, stay in an environment that has made my functionality get far worse than it was a few years ago, or get out.  Has anyone else had to create a new life after TBI?  Being 56 years old does not help.  BTW, I cannot work, due to cognitive impairments.

I played football for 9 years, from 4th grade all the way through high school. I'm almost 50 now, and I find myself mad all the time. I do remember in high school hitting helmet to helmet and losing all peripheral vision. Xanax has helped for the last 15yrs. But getting worse. I love football, but if it steals your brain, it's not worth playing.

I hear half of these from my family my anger makes me need to stay away from them. I am tired of trying to educate them. I am not the same person. I am different and a new person is evolving and taking care of myself needs to be first.

You can still have a good life!   and my reply now is (to myself) Up Yours!

I really don't know what to say. I haven't had a proper diagnosis in 5 years. My neurologist wants to put everything that has been wrong. With me as a result of an autoimmune disease. I have been telling him for years this is all a result of a horrible fall, I didn't realize it at first as my symptoms were not immediate. I know what you all live with. This is the first time I've ever written in any forum. I suffer from a vestibular disorder, lived basically in seclusion as going out on my own was impossible. There hasn't been much information given to me by my doctors as far as what I should or should not be doing. Now I have the scat bus which helps me to get around. Family has not been very understanding, often saying ridiculous those. I just laugh at naive people. I feel people with disabilities are better human beings. We are more compassionate and understanding. Be true to YOURSELVES, do whatever you have to to be as independent as you can be. Its important to try and educate others because the one thing you have that they won't have is knowledge of the unknown. I often tell people I don't like to repeat myself. A person is either for you or against you. I don't have time for the ones who don't get me or don't care to help me. I do as much as possible on my own, when I ask for help it is needed. A lot of things can be relearned. Do not allow the closed minded to close your mind. We may have problems however God has chosen is for a higher way of thinking. Be the first to help someone in anyway you can, you will feel better. A simple smile and act of kindness goes a long way. God Bless

I just got hit with a tire iron a month ago I am telling the hospital I lose focus on what I am doing I can be doing something mind goes blank to me not normal what can I do to help my memory do I get answers all I get is it takes time this is normal... and it's just pissing me off

I'm 15 yrs old and I can relate to all of these sayings. I've had 5 concussions from sports in the past 3 yrs. I have Post Concussive Syndrome and I can't do much physical activity without getting a major head ache. I have a terrible memory and I get yelled at for forgetting things constantly. I get frustrated easily and I'm usually always in a grumpy mood. I hate it when people treat brain injury like its a regularly injury. People act like it just goes away within a few weeks when it can last a lifetime .

My boyfriend of 3 months got into a car accident 15 yrs ago and suffered a frontal lobe injury. I have been having trouble understanding the side effects of it, as he downplayed it at first. But I have recently been seeing more and more signs of his injury. I want to try and make it work, so I have been reading up on those types of injuries and how to deal with someone who has them, to help me better understand, and to help control my annoyance and sometimes anger with him. This article has helped. Thank you :)

To the one that had a fall at the age of four!!!!!! I am just reading on TBI and it all makes sense now and your story made me feel like I finally have someone to relate to. Youre never alone and I am now writing this in tears thinking that all the damage of a whole life time could have been at least half avoided given proper care and a clear diagoisis at that young age. I was 2.5 and went off the ladder on to the cement  and suffered a closed head 3/4 way around fracture and to add to the trauma they accused my parents of abuse. I was also restrained by the nurses and had to be  tied me down in the hospital crib with rope. You can see it in the background of my photos. Then at 5 I fell out of a tree and hit some tar curbing that the city had left there when they did repairs on the road. That was an open head wound and I never went back for any tests or nothing growing up. The strange thing is my temper that is comaparable to the devils blue streak is and was said to be inheritied by my grandfathers. I was always told to try harder and still cant understand the concept of trying harder. Its like the term apply yourself more a friends mother used to say to him when he was younger., What doe these mean? I am very impulsive and I am sure my daughter was embarassed to have been even in the same airport with me when I was escorted off the plane and straight to jail. For what I never  knew becasue there were no charges. They released me to my parents and that was the end of it, Yet we found out later on that Portland airport had profiled three other women after me following the same proceedures to jail. Nice!  But ive lived through most of the rough spots constantly teased taunted abused used etc,,,, Its hard to understand why people are so mean and hate so much when a smile or good deed is all it requires to make someone happy. Im not very good at typing because it takes to long to find the keys as the words are rushing through my head. Out of all I have 4 degrees and had a career  for 20 plus years off and on. I didnt realize that there were any problems besides behavioral really until I started to take an inventory with speech impediment on certain words, migraines from hell sometimes 2 or 3 in a row, depression anxieyy etc.... yet my memory is impeccible. I have started on my Phd in Psych and am a third of the way through now I just need to finish it which is my biggest down fall... the finish lines.   Reading all that I have read  has given me a footing on all the years of counseling that never did any good. Now I now why. I just want to thank all those that shared your stories and I wish I could help fix the  hearts of the disenchanted  and the minds of those that have lost  their heads whether through accidents or from the people in our lives that had to  deal with us..

In response to "lmb310" -- try brainline's facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/brainline) or The TBI Tribe facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/groups/792052120888627/). The TBI Tribe is a good place to talk with others. =)

My son was in a motorcycle accident Aug 4, 2015 with traumatic head brain injury. He's home now and he's not the same as he was and I'm lost of what to do to help him. I talk to him and be there for him but there must be something else that I can do to help him get better. I cry every day wishing this had never happened and wishing it was me not my son. He actually died from this accident and I thank god he's here. I'm lost of what to do and to watch him trying to do something and he can't breaks my heart. Any suggests of what I can do to help him please email at jo632@yahoo.com Thank you

I suffered a tbi on Dec 7th 07. Fell from ladder when working working on a customers house. My injury were life threating. Although I had a closed head trama my brain still received substantial damage. The after math of my injury was trumatic not only for me but for my wife and 4 children. For at least 4 months I was almost a non functional person. All the 9 things that you don't want to hear I have heard. Sometimes I become angry when I here these things but I pretend it don't bother me. If my head would have been split open and scared I would have some validation of what I go through on a daily basis, even years after. I look fine but inside my head the suffering goes on. Positive thanking and a loving wife and sons and daughter have helped me over the years. I wish the best for all that have gone through the same thanks I have gone through.

I sustained a brain injury, December 2012 and because of the side effects that this article discusses, my parents and my sibling, have both disowned me. I've been recovering on my own and it's been difficult. I found this article today, because I've been in bed all day with a pounding neck-headache. I'm Comptemplating to call my neurologist. I took my daily pain medicine this morning, as well as an excedrin, neither have not "touched", the throbbing headache.

My situation is so awful in that when I was 4 years old I fell off a pick-up truck backwards onto the concert below my younger sister fell on top of me I woke up blind for an extended period later they took me to a hospital they kept me over night for observation and that was the extent of the medical help. I was responsive meaning I didn't die and apparently alert. The rest of my life changed forever my parents were both orphans & in their late teens when they married and had no concept of parenting or even love for that matter. So the fun begins; I was labeled "slow" because my little brain was trying to cope with the injury to it. I withdrew from family life, as much as possible. Trust me they were not any kinder to each other or anyone else for that matter. Except for this whole mess of a life they created I was the hardest effected by them delaying my recovery process even convincing me that was there was "Nothing Wrong" with me it was all in my head my father who was not educated started throwing out terms around like "the power of positive thinking" but their favorite thing to say to me with so much contempt was I was "different" internally I die a million times. And my very hateful mother would say "you always end up with what you hate in your own home" in reference to me. With no one to understand I found grammar school to be somewhat a place of comfort but I was always terrified of being called on I wasn't a good student in terms of grades but my teachers were always kind and gentle with me and took extra interest within reason. I will write the rest of this from my heart; I am heart broken, I know this must sound so terrible but it has taken literally a near lifetime to realize all of what I was put through and still to this day they blame my slowness as an excuse, not the TBI from a fall that literally change the way I function and how I am treated and all that pales in comparison to what I have endured as an adult who was forced to believe it was that I was somehow a bad person, I fought back defended myself and I still never held it against them except for my parents. Just very recently I finely understand that my mother lies to get attention and used the fact that I am "different" to get empathy from everyone, they were mean and abusive to me I fought back with my siblings never understood what was going on there. They talked about me to everyone they know including other family members aunts/uncles etc. I know now that it is the way my brain processes information that makes appear slow but because of them I hated that I was "slow" making me venerable and insecure exactly because of that fact. It felt like I was locked into my body, never considered it my brain because that would have been too awful. I remember once in high school alone in my room hitting myself on my head out of frustration, crying being so sad, this has always been my secret I've never shared. Such a terrible and fabricated view of my life, what I could not know then was that my brain was learning all the time it used to be worst which is why I did so poorly in grammar school but I couldn't wait to attended college and did terrible there too but found that I was very athletic I played tennis and majored in art. I am actually very talented but I never finished school and it seems like every decade I go back and get better at it. Now I love the whole experience of learning my brain feels better as I learn new subjects but I never had any real self concept meaning I always felt disconnect internally until now but I look at the devastation they caused me out of ignorance, when it was such a simple problem in comparison to what was done to me. It's almost a giant relief to know that my beautiful brain has always worked so hard to heal itself and is still working hard to heal. All these revelations are very resent so how on earth am I going to make up for so much time lost or how I've been affected it? I guess there is no way but the fact that I am isolated from everyone saddens me and at the same time I pray my real life journey can now finally begin. I'm not sure of anything today, because I'm being threatened from so many directions I hate feeling vulnerable, but things must change, I know that there is help I just don't where to turn or who to turn to, because it still feels so awful when people are insensitive or mean I feel it physically because of the way they conditioned me. Lied about, judged, abused over nothing, yet that is what happened here I don't want to feel so alone anymore, so there it is. If dreams are a reality waiting to happen then it will all be amazing either way I must go on I have a son who I love, but I think he is ashamed of me. So thank you for posting this is very valuable information. Please forgive the rant I am in the process of dealing with all this in real time and as I said this is how my brain processes such overwhelming information other wise I would still be in denial, now to find the right help to heal and rewire my life and please forgive any misspelled words. My parents using the wrong terms taught my siblings and they inturn extended their opinions about me to their friends and made life hell and unsafe for me, like I have to justify all that I've experienced it distracted me from the truth and getting timely help, because as we all know these injuries can linger all your life and my even worst my voice was suppressed to the point of not seeming to have one at all. I guess that is one of the first things to change, I must in a healthier way learn to find it.

My 39 yr old daughter Julie sustained a TBI  from an auto accident in Feb. 2015. She was in a major hospital in ICU, and their Trauma Unit for 10 weeks, has been in a skilled nursing facility for about 3 months, and is about to be placed in a psych .  She has 5 children ranging children have been split between her fiancé and the biological father of two of them. We were told she would never be able to come home, or take care of her children.  As a mother, you always want to care for and protect your child, and "fix" life she will have to accept is hers now. become so depressed, and frustrated to the point of becoming suicidal.  She had to re-learn basics we take for process, talking, eating, feeding, dressing, bathing, walking, reading, toiletringMy wonderful desperately get controlling her her. Shewants no part of this one. She has little short-term memory.  Her family and children to where they no longer want to want only the best life for her.  If I could trade lives with her, I would in a second.  Within a few moments, her life, and our entire   not only effects the patient, but everyone who cares about them, for the remainder of their lives.

i was in a road accident 16 years ago. The 'visible' damage is recovered, but these things which i hear almost every day are very hurtful. In addition are "it's all psychological" and "you just use your brain damage as an excuse". I do get very frustrated at "it's just a simple task, why cant you do it?" and then feel guilty and depressed about it. I know there are countless others with worse conditions than me and I hope they all can get the correct support from friends.

In defense of all the people who have dismissed discarded and disrespected me during the years after my TBI in 1991 and then again in early 2001-5. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't understand, even being in my shoes I didn't understand until 25 plus years later. Everybody loses.

Boy, do I wish I could send this article to everyone in my life! But, it's been 15 years since my TBI. I didn't even know I had a "brain injury" for 6 years after as my neurosurgeon and physician neglected to make that clear to me, and I was too "out of it" at the time to ask questions. My injury was a hemorrhage during childbirth, so all the focus went to my baby, who needed help too. So I just thought I had post partem problems. The medical people involved in my care, once I was diagnosed with the hemorrhage, were very neglectful of educating me on my future deficits, and what to expect from that point forward. So I struggled on my own until I had a great doctor who made me aware of a local Brain Injury Association I could join. My point is, I heard all these 9 things for years without even having the confirmation that I did indeed have a brain injury and would live with the consequences for the rest of my life. I wish at thaat time, I would have had a list of these 9 things to show people and educate them! THANK YOU for publishing this list on this site. to read the comments from fellow TBI survivors is really affirming that I am not alone living with the side effects, and that there is hope to get better. The list above is SO TRUE! and I experienced all those types of comments along the way. It's nice to see that I had very REAL reasons for having a rough time the 10 years or so after the injury. Thankfully I am very much better now as I have always pushed myself to keep going, for my daughter, and for myself. Keep working at it everyone. You can improve!

Everything here is so true!!

Another one is saying it's like having a child. Or calling me a child. "An adult wouldn't do that". Ok. My husband says many of these things every day and then doesn't understand why I am upset or crying. "Get over it" is another one I hate.