How to Deal with a New, Angrier Version of a Beloved Husband and Father?

Question: 

What about the rages after a traumatic brain injury? What does a family do when the husband/father comes back from the war with this anger that is similar to “The Hulk”? How do they stay together? How do the children know it's not okay to “do what dad does” when they are feeling mad?

Anger is the fear in our home. The rages that last all day, the moods that make me out to be the one that has ruined anything and everything in life. What do you do?

My husband was such a wonderful, caring man. I fell for him because of the sweet and caring things he did for me. We were best friends for years before we got together, but now, I have no idea who he is. I miss him terribly, and just want him back ....

I am so in love with him, yet am so very afraid.

Answer: 

Quick and rapid changes in emotion — often referred to by psychologists as “emotional lability” — are common after a person has experienced a traumatic brain injury. Changes in brain functioning can result in difficulty with controlling the frequency or intensity of negative emotions such as anger or rage. Often, this consequence of brain injury is equally disturbing for the TBI survivor and their family members.

Many parts of emotional healing after TBI involve making changes toward acceptance of new ways of life for the whole family. While managing intense emotions may continue to be a long-term challenge for your husband, there are behavioral strategies he can use to put a tighter reign on his outbursts. Likewise, there are strategies that you and your children can use when your husband’s new post-brain injury temper flares up. Because every family, survivor, and brain injury is different, the best way to learn which strategies will work for you and your family is for the whole family to begin participation in family counseling.

The most important part of selecting a counselor or counseling program is finding someone who is familiar with traumatic brain injury specifically. Some of the approaches suggested in typical “anger management” programs may not work after brain injury and, in fact, may have the potential to make things worse. Through counseling, a therapist will help your family to:

  • identify what everyone is doing now that may be contributing to the problem behaviors;
  • learn new strategies that can be used when your husband experiences volatile emotions; and,
  • practice those strategies over and over again until they become a part of your family’s daily life.

Also, a family therapist may either work with your children separately or suggest a child therapist to work with them. Your children can work in counseling to learn how to handle anger appropriately, despite what “dad does.” They can also learn from a therapist that it is brain injury and not their behavior that causes their father’s mood swings.

Finally, your family needs to have a safety plan in place. Your husband handles anger in a very different way now than he did before his injury. Relying on his love for you and your children or on his good sense and judgment when it comes to managing his anger outbursts is no longer a sufficient plan. A safety plan will give everyone an option if his behaviors were to get ‘out of control.’ Identify a place where you and your children could go temporarily if your husband’s behavior became dangerous. Additionally, during a non-crisis time and at a non-accessible location (library computer, friend’s home, etc.), look up information on how to construct a comprehensive plan for the safety of your family. Finally, you must be willing and able to call 911 for help if your husband’s anger becomes dangerously explosive. Hopefully, you will never need to use these safety resources. However, it is much better to have the information and not need it than to need the information and not know what to do!

Posted on BrainLine April 26, 2012

Emilie Godwin

Emilie Godwin, PhD, LPC, MFT is a faculty member and licensed clinician at Virginia Commonwealth University, with a specialty focus on couples and family counseling after brain injury. Currently, she serves as the Family Support Program Coordinator for the VCU TBI Model System projects.

Comments

Oh how I wish we could connect. Your situation is almost identical to mine. I need someone to talk to that understands.

My husband has an ABI (acquired brain injury) from H1N1 Influenza. His brain injury responds very much like a TBI which is why I am here.

What about caregiver rage? I have been left the only one bringing in money, cleaning the house, anything. Physically he could do some things but he is always moody and angry and he feels he should not have to "he has a brain injury" after all.

Before all of this he was loving and a wonderful partner. :(

I can't seem to find any support for ABI caregivers. :(

We have separated after 15 years of the TBI life. Huge step to take when you have committed and promised to love each other
for better or worse, in sickness and in health.
Problem is a person doesn’t know how to live under these conditions and remain emotionally healthy enough for the both of you. The caregivers judgement becomes clouded and they think they are functioning as the “healthy” one in the relationship. Therapy, prayer, and love for each other definitely help, but when is denying your own health and safety good for the marriage? The TBI victim lives in their own hellish nightmare daily. However if I die as a result of neglecting myself who is next up to repeat the pattern of caring, loving, and neglecting the warning signs? The children who witnessed the digression of what was two people who loved each other to death?
Seriously… when is it the perfect time to step away from the cycle?

You are not alone sweetheart. Losing someone piece by piece is so demoralising. However bars you work, you know you are destined to fail, but you have to look after them because you love them unreservedly. ❤️

What therapeutic oils have you used and seen results and what were they used for?

My husband is a navy vet and has a TBI. What you just said is my life exactly. It's so hard daily. Just wanted to say your not alone! Best Wishes XOXO

I can totally relate to this. My husband had a TBI when I met him. He had some small differences at the beginning, but nothing that made me feel strange or uncertain about my feelings towards him. I had 2 children from a previous relationship when I met him and he instantly formed a beautiful bond with all of us. We now have 2 children of our own. We have 4 children total. It’s been 7 years since we’ve gotten together and I can definitely see how his personality/mentality is changing. He is a lot more moody now. I can’t talk to him like I used too. We used to laugh and joke. It was beautiful. Now it’s like everything I say or do strikes a nerve. I keep my mouth shut just to avoid an argument. I tell myself it’s not his fault.... I’m not going to lie it brings me to tears because I love him and I love my children.... but this isn’t fair to me or our children. Im just like you. I don’t know what to do or talk about or I can’t be myself anymore. It hurts me and brings me down. But I love him!!! What to do. Idk???

My husband was in a motorcycle accident 2 and a half years ago and had aTBI. He used to be a go getter and a great provider. Now, he can’t work and we have been waiting on getting disability for 2 years. We have no money. I work full time as a teacher and we have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I wanna walk out. I’m sick of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life. I am a religious person and I really don’t want a divorce. I wanna stay together to raise our kids however, I am so miserable. We have tried therapy. Nothing seems to understand. He has lost friends because he is so different now. I feel so bad for him but st the same time, I hate how he treats me. I feel like I have no one to talk to. None of my friends know what it’s like to have a spouse with a brain injury.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have been with my husband for over 7 years. He has become very child like in the last couple years. If i am not there he just sits and waits for me to come home even if i am gone for days. I often think what the old him would say or do to help me. I am having an affair because I am so lonely. I am forced to dance as an exotic dancer because he cannot manage money or support himself. I wish I could tell my 19 year old self how fast this all would go downhill. Hes beat me, held a gun up to his head. Some days I feel a million years old. But yet most days he is sweet and caring and helps with domestic chores. It is to the point where he needs professional help but I have no where to turn and no money to fund it. Also my own mind is slipping because of all ths trauma. Losing someone piece by piece while they are still alive is the most painful thing I have ever been through

Please consider leaving. I'm sorry to say these things dont get better, my sweet loving husband has had a tbi for 16 years and while we have had some "better" times, as he ages things are getting worse and it's not the life I want for myself or my children. I won't leave because of my children and parents. Your kids are young. You have an out. Take it now.

If you ever need anyone to talk to you can message me. My husband and I are both military, he had suffered a tbi in July. He is a completely different person now and I miss the marriage we had and who he was. We have a 7 month old and after speaking about a separation I found out I am pregnant. My email is inadance13@hotmail.com I know we don’t know each other but maybe being in a situation that’s similar we can help each other. God bless.

I’m not sure if this helps, but you are not alone. My husband has frontal lobe brain damage from bacterial meningitis and complications from that, as well as TBI from a car accident in his teens. He was in a medically induced coma for 16 days. He did not know who he was when he woke. I have often said he now takes everything I say personal. It’s like I can’t have a real conversation with him. He can rage over the simplest of things and says horrible things to me. He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We are both in counseling. I believe a simpler life would benefit us but he refuses to let go of the person he was before his illness. We are going on year four of recovery. Oh...and he was hit by a truck walking in a crosswalk this past Summer. Severely and permanently damaged his arm. It’s all unbelievable. I long for the man I fell in love with to come back. He never will.

Just letting you know you are not alone. My fiance got in a motorcycle crash 2 months ago and i like how you used the words “flat” and “angry” and expressed how hard it is to recover from every concersation. Im finding it so hard too and im pregnant and have our 1 yr old daughter. Life is at a point for me where im contemplating leaving. Its so hard.

This sounds like my life. ALL of it. Started seeing a counselor again recently. I’m hoping to gain some insight on “my reality”.

What kind of oils are you using? My fiance has suffered a TBI and those medicine the Dr have him on are horrible.... He had these really bad rashes on his legs and they make him sleep all the time. Please tell me

My beautiful husband had a car accident 2 1/2 years ago, he suffered a severe closed brain injury, on top of other very serious physical injuries.

Can you tell me how best to avoid the outbursts? I can tell he's down in life and the frustration and hate towards me is not for me I know this, but he directs it towards me because I am closest to him. It's heartbreaking to see him like this. The problem I have is that I would have to change so much of how I normally am - like my chatty and happy personality, spontaneous traits sometimes.... I want to chat with him, and conquer life with him but he's so flat or angry and he's also disinterested in anything but his interests and reactive. The TBI induced self- centered outlook makes him very sensitive and makes him think I am blaming him for everything that doesn't go well. I don't think this, but if I try to broach a sensitive subject, anything any topic.... he immediately reacts badly and his anger escellates beyond normal reasoning. It's so devestating to be constantly recovering from every damaging conversation. I'm not sure what to talk about with him, or how to...

I suffered a tbi on March 2013 and I didn't notice my anger but my family did. It is difficult to control and as I was never an angry person I get exceptionally defensive if someone or anyone criticises I.e. in work or even family at home when suggestions are made of what they think I should do. Over time it has got easier but the "hulk" rage or "red mist" as I call it does appear sometimes but I generally walk it off or vent it out with someone who will listen and then within an hour it's back to normal or as normal as a tbi survivor can be. It's like learning to walk again even after almost 5 years new things and old things appear and sometimes like anger I have never had to deal with it before so it's like living in an experiment! I tend to get away from people when I am angry because I don't trust myself because it's a new emotion and I don't know how to deal with it sometimes.

I can completely relate. Our son is 10 years post TBI whch he suffered when he was 17. Being a 17 year old is tough enough without the TBI. Those early years were so difficult, it is painful to talk about and his labile emotions were only the half of it. Impulsivity and short term memory loss were major factors. His good friends dropped him to be replaced by users who would use his forgetfulness against him. It was devastating to watch. What helped? Hyperbaric oxygen, neuropsych sessions, court ordered anger management classes and tons of patience which we weren't always successful at providing. Now I find it strange that at the time of his accident no one offered us, his parents, counseling as we needed it as much as he did. He was finally able to graduate college and is successful in his job. I think he has learned to monitor himself and has finally achieved some insight into himself.

Sometimes neuropsychological evaluation is vital. I recall one couple made a breakthrough when we shared the findings of an emotion perception test (that had been failed). Anger was being triggered because he thought she was laughing at him, where she was actually scared. Confusion of facial emotion expressions is not uncommon. A different more direct strategy helped as in truth he did not want to scare his partner. She held up her hand to say "I am scared", to explain why initiating safety plan mentioned in this good article. Hope this idea helps!

This Was Quite Interesting to read , as it explains my Actions Correctly , After I had a right temporal lobectomy in 2007 after suffering 23 years of seizures after a head injury as a child. I FIRSTHAND RECOMMEND The FAMILY To ACCEPT The Change and Deal with it best you can INSTEAD OF Trying to IGNORE The Situation or BLAME The Injured for NOT Controlling His or Her Emotions. It took FIVE YEARS For the BRUISE to be gone from INSIDE My Skull Post Op. NO ONE. AND I MEAN NO ONE Could Relate To My Behavior, NOT EVEN MYSELF. Thank GOD I Had No Kids that had to deal with it, but my Spouse and Family Came to Fighting Terms thinking it was Everybody's Fault But my Own. Praise GOD For The Injured to have Survived, PRAY TO GOD For Assistance In Hard Times.

Ditto, this is a real problem. We need more help for this. What is there to help us

You just described my husband to a T we have been together 17 years and his accident was 6 years ago and I feel as if he hates my guts and looks for reasons to yell at me or belittle me ! He was my best friend before and I HATE the person I see now everything that goes wrong is my fault or I had some part in it ! He thinks of what "I'm really doing" and it becomes real to him a flat tire on way to store at 2:00 in the afternoon becomes "your on bullsh#t" I can't have a conversation about how I'm feeling because he will somehow turn it into all about him or he says what he says because of my actions and becomes the victim I am absolutely at my end point I can't live like this any longer we have 2 children and I have brushed everything under rug for the sake of them but i can't continue on like this we got therapy in the beginning and it worked wonders but with everything my fault he won't take serious I'm the problem to outsiders because he lies and twists everything I do or say into me being this horrible person and he is the victim! I just let things that would bother an average spouse go because it will somehow be taken out of context ,end up my fault, or a huge fight so I usually just bottle it in and let it go I just need help I can't live like this anymore!
What do you do when your spouse refuses to believe he has a brain injury.and it's all you?or to get them to realize it was them who destroyed the house?What do you do?
Wow. I am currently experiencing the exact same as the comment above. "Nightmare" is just the word I use to describe it. I feel like a punching bag. My husband suffered his tbi 30 days ago but this behavior is exactly spot on. Word for word. Although, I am scared to take him around our little kids....

My husband had a TBI in late 2011 and life has never been the same or will it ever.We have been married just short of 40 yrs.I did not notice any changes at first, we were just thanking God he survived.Over the last 6 yrs I started to notice many changes in his personality much for the worst. His anger & rages have become more frequent and I am to blame for everything.I did move out in 2015 and went back and things just got worst from that point.I can barely see a glimpse of the man I married.He can control himself in front of other people but when we are alone the things he says and has done are unthinkable to the people that do not live with him.I recently moved out again for my own safety since then he has threaten his own life many times and this breaks my heart. I still stay in touch with him daily to check on his well being and he has finally agreed to get some help from a counselor. Which has not been an easy task, it is hard to find a counselor that knows how to deal with TBI in our area. I had to go to his neurosurgeon and insist his help in finding someone to help us,he in turn is sending us to a neurologist so I can then insist he send him to a counselor. I do not have it in my heart to just walk away without giving him everything I have in helping  him even if we do not survive this nightmare when all is said and done.My point is I wish one of the many professionals would have told me what to expect so I could have gotten him help from the beginning.My best advise is take them to see a counselor right from the start so they can talk about the confusion, the changes, the anger, or as my husband puts the demons in his head.I have found through my own research that their are support groups in are area for him and for me the caregiver.Which none of the doctors told us about.I am praying that this might be the baby step to putting our lives back together.

Well I am happy to see that other's are going through the same thing I am.  Not that it helps any but I was begging to think it was more me than him.  We have been married almost 30 years and for the last 5 it has been all about him and his issues.  My husband has seizures.  On the day my Dad passed and my family just all out of sorts as expected, he had a seizure and we ended up in the hospital and he was smiling. Not thinking about my feelings or our kids feelings. We have grown kids who were hurting already because of their paw-paw and now he is laying in a hospital bed smiling like everything is fine.  I can't tell you exactly what I wanted to say or to do because I allow myself to say such things. It is a daily challenge.  Now, he once a month at least has started to text me at work really horrible awful things that I have no idea where they came from accusing me of such horrible things, and he ends with I am gone it's over.  He takes all his belongings. Clothes, toiletries and hits the road.  Once he went to a motel in our town. Paid for a week but, after he calmed down he came home and they refunded all but one night.  Then next time he headed out west and he turned around in Mississippi.  Next time turned around in Louisiana and came home.  Yesterday the same thing happened but this time he could not get out of Atlanta.  Told me he was trying to find highway I10 but he won't find that one in Atlanta.  He came home last night at 9 and was crying saying " I don't know, " I don't know".  I asked him this morning if he means all the things he text me and he doesn't know what he said but he said no i don't mean them.  He accuses me of steeling money out of our checking account.  A lot is missing and it was not me that took it. I can go on and on.  My nerves are shot. I don't want to leave him he is my husband and I want to take care of him.  I want us to be together as we said in our Vows.  I try to think what if tables were turned and it was me with the TBI and PTSD.  I don't think he would stay with me.  I really don't.  I stay calm when he starts texting and I only text back to him I am sorry I love you.  He eventually calms down but, he has already taken money and spent on things and he tried to invest a hunk of money and lost it.  He can't remember he did that so it is my fault, Nothing is his fault not ever.  It feels good in a strange way to know I am not the only one dealing with this.  It is so hard and honestly I felt like I was causing him to feel this way and I was embarrassed to share it out.  Thanks for the opportunity to vent.  

My husband suffered two brain hemorrhages from an accident in 2008. I understand what all of you are going through. It's hard to deal with when these flare ups start. I can even see it in his eyes when it's building up and ready to explode. In the beginning it was really ugly and things got violent. We would have to hold him back so he wouldn't hurt himself or others. We tried antidepressants which didn't help. To top it off he was taking anti epilepsy medicine also. We were able to get him off the medicine and he's able to control himself know. We have been using therapeutic oils which have helped immensely along with lots and lots of help fro the up above. Believe it or not chili helped his epileptic attacks. He could bite into a habanero pepper and not taste it. Don't give up on your loved one. Be positive. When they start having one of their episodes try and get them to do something they like or put their mind in another area. Go out for a walk. The therapist told me that nature is good for healing.

Thank you so much for that post. I have been dealing with my husband's TBI for 26 years and I'm exhausted and feel emotionally beaten. I have helped him through so much and know he appreciates it deep down but other times he is so horrible and says awful things and blames me for everything going wrong. We are separated but live in the same house with our children. I feel trapped and would feel bad leaving. Everything would be up to me to organize and I have run out of energy. Sometimes it's easier to stay but to the detriment of my own mental health.

Reading all of these posts breaks my heart, because I too am the wife of man who suffered a TBI in 1999.  For us the road has been a slow decline since 1999.  A little over a year ago I had to kick him out of the house because of his behavior towards me, and not seeking help for it.  I had been trying for several years to get him help, because I too was the source of all our marital problems(per him) but it clearly was his change in personality that changed the course of our marriage.  I  have done an exhausting amount of research to get him help, but the most frustrating thing by far is his lack of insight into his problems.  As I read all these posts, it is clear to me that a fair amount of people who suffer from TBI don't see their own issues.  That is what I have read in alot of research as well.  I feel so grateful that we have been in the position to be able to get scans, see doctors, have treatment options.  But when the person doesn't see that they have issues, despite ALL the evidence proving otherwise, they won't follow through with any treatments.  We are separated, and I don't want to divorce my husband because I feel I am bailing on him.  But I cannot live with his scary behavior towards me and he won't follow through with anything.  For those of you looking for answers, check out SPECT scans for functional brain imaging(different than MRI, which just shows structure, not function).  Also check out Dr Daniel Amen.  He has lots of books and resources for recovery.  But it all boils down to the person with the TBI and whether or not they will seek help.  I'm just so sad because my husband has all these resources at his fingertips, and a wife who has exhausted herself emotionally, but still willing to hang in there for him.  But he doesn't see it.  He blames everyone else for his problems too.  For the supporters of victims of TBI, make sure you are taking care of yourself in healthy ways too.  God bless you all.  

I suffered a brain injury from an automobile accident. After reading these comments, I know I am not alone and I would like to speak for everyone suffering from a brain injury. I was once a loving caring funny joyful person which my loving wife lavina fell in. love with. Now I have changed. I'll be normal and all of a sudden l like a flip of a switch..i will turn into some one different..an "A" hole my wife would say. A sudden burst of anger and rage would hit me for no apparent reason. A specific word or action would set me off. I would try as hard as I can to control it. It would make me tense up and shut myself off from reality but eventually it would just over power me. My wife and I worked out an emergency method to handle this situation..jump on me and just pour your love out on me by rubbing my chest and telling me its gonna be ok. That works. But sometimes she would get tired or annoyed of it and say u control out yourself. But I can't. If I just let it go..all hell breaks loose. I start yelling at her blaming her for I don't know what, getting mad bout little things. People don't know that people with brain injuries are current from people with broken bones, cuts,etc. They'll see the injuries on the outside. But brain injuries are on the inside. We may look fine but our brains are not. They are scarred. My family doesn't know that.its frustrating when they think theres nothing wrong with me and I'm just trying to get attention. Its even more frustrating for my wife. I feel so angry at my self that it makes me think unthinkable thoughts of myself. i love her so much as well as our kids. But I hate putting them thru this all the time. She should be attending to the kids but she always attending to me. This is just one problem that has risen from tbi. Its devastating my family. I know this is the reason why I will end up losing my family and ending up alone one day. So what im trying to say is...find a way to let each other know that the switch in the brain is about to flip and a quick solution to calm it down. Rubbing the chest and talking about triggers are a good example. So dont lose your family over this frustration. Communicate with each other and just always be there to...for better or worse. I love u lavina. Im sorry for being a burden. but thank u for my care of me for this long. Your husband...shawn. Ps...i love u.

Some of these comments sound like my husband. He had a brain injury back in November and over time his temper got worse. I was the punching bag for all his emotions and later I actually became the physical punching bag. I had to kick him out of the house and that only has made him even more angry and hateful towards me. But I have 2 young kids to protect and I don't want them to have to endure this version of their father. I read all these articles that explain to you why your partner is angry but they never tell you how to handle these intense rages. There is no step by step guide and as partners we are doing our best to deal with everything. We don't always do or say the right thing and when that happens our brain injured person brings down the hammer on us. Now he's talking to his family, telling them wild stories about me to get their sympathy. Some of them are things he's made up in his head, some are private matters that are embarrassing to have other people know about. To them all he's the victim and I'm the heartless wife. They are here to see his rages, they don't see the how scary he get, his chest bumping and screaming in your face. I don't know if things will ever be the same again.  

My daughter was hit by a truck in 2012. She has TBI. She likes to argue and cause havoc in the home. She blames her husband for starting the arguments and tries to make him look bad. He does everything for her and the 2 young daughters. I help out with babysitting or watching my daughter or clean house etc. I give my son in law breaks from the stress. But it never fails every night there is arguing. She seems to like drama. She doesn't eat much and I figured out she has nothing in her life she can control but the food she puts in her mouth. I'm at the end of my rope trying to deal with her issues. She seems to be better in the morning talking being happy, trying to do things etc. but at night time there is always a ruckus. She also doesn't sleep well and is up half the night. Can anyone offer suggestions whether on how to react to her or what to say. Ty in advance

So glad I found this my husband has a TBI from several years ago. We have 5 children ages 15-6 who will no longer speak to him because of his awful personality and mood swings. So difficult to know what to do. I desperately miss who he used to be!

I also feel the frustration of the effects of the severe TBI my husband suffered 4 + years ago. It has wreaked havoc on our family even though our daughters were 22,25 and 29 at the time. 4 years later.... my husband refuses to comply with his drs orders... his neurologist is frustrated with him and his PCP doesn't know what to do with him. HE won't listen to anyone as he does not see he has any problems... it is everyone else... he maintains he is back and it couldn't be further from the truth. He has distorted thinking and has our oldest daughters believing or confused about the things he says about me.... our youngest daughter who has been living here has witnessed rageful behaviors that are frightful and in December a rage required her to call the police becasue he was out of control. We have since had to get a restraining order on him because he is so out of control and abusive to both myself and daughter. His blaming and gross exaggerations of "perceived incidents" often appear as delusions...it is so frightening, scary and what has happened to our family is nothing short of heart wrenching. I don't know how our family can heal especially with his constant blaming of me and my youngest daughter...

I too have felt the pang of pain left when a loved one's personality changes. My brother has had violent outbursts now for over twenty years. I am blamed for everything and he is constantly angry with me for reasons I do not understand. We used to be so close and I miss the closeness and what we have. I long for this to return but instead I feel the imminent cold shoulder closing in on my whenever I visit home. He lives with my family who compound the issue and make excuses for him all the time due to his head injury. I am pushed away, I feel isolated and alone. It has been so long where I have tried to make bridges and some sort of relationship only to be hurt time and time again. It can be very hard living with a loved one with TBI.

I was in a auto accident a yr plus 8 months ago .I am a woman . I just have a rage in. me , it comes fast and i yell and some swearing . I quit as soon as i get away from area . Or go play music . It is so not fair my husband has to put up with this monster . I feel terrible being a brat .

My partner suffered a mild TBI of the frontal lobe 10 months ago and he too has become the incredible hulk and blames me for everything.  Will he ever stop blaming me and be able to talk to me again or is this aggression and blame he afflicts on me going to continue for the rest of our life.

hi i too can understand the anger and rage that i too have since having a brain hammorage my life is in tatters.i have lost everything my employment,confidence, hearing,my marriage.i too am angery.my life will never be the same again.

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