Avoiding Guilt and Blame

Laura Taylor and Jeff Kreutzer, The National Resource Center for Traumatic Brain Injury, Virginia Commonwealth Model Systems of Care
Avoiding Guilt and Blame

Part of the Greatest Challenges Families Face Series

After injury, survivors and their family members often experience a variety of strong emotions. Many people describe feeling frustrated, angry, or sad about changes following the injury. Others talk about feeling worried or scared about what will happen in the future. Some people notice that their emotions change quickly, “like a roller coaster.” Feeling misunderstood is also common. Strong emotions can weaken your ability to solve problems, handle challenges effectively, and get along with others.

Recognizing, understanding, and controlling your feelings can be very difficult. The first step in controlling your emotions is recognizing how you feel and noticing when your emotions get in the way. If you can figure out how you’re feeling early on, you can get your feelings under control faster and more easily. Then you’ll be able to feel better and reach your goals more efficiently.

Take a moment to think about how you feel. Check off the boxes next to the sentences that describe you:

  • I often feel frustrated.
  • People don’t understand me
  • I get angry easily.
  • I feel overwhelmed.
  • I can’t do much to make things better.
  • My feelings change from minute to minute.
  • I don’t like much about myself.
  • I get upset easily.
  • I worry a lot.
  • Very few people care about me.
  • I have made many mistakes.
  • I have many fears.
  • I worry about the future.
  • I feel like I should be doing more.
  • I’m lonely.
  • I’m disappointed in myself.
  • I believe I am at fault for many of our problems.
  • I wish my life could be the way it was before.
  • I feel sad.
  • I am often grouchy.

Review the items you’ve checked and the ones you haven’t to better understand your feelings. The more items you’ve checked, the more likely it is that you are experiencing many different and strong emotions. Is there a pattern to the items you’ve checked? Show your checklist to someone you know and trust. Do you agree on the items that should be checked?

Once you recognize how you feel, you can take steps to help yourself cope with the emotions effectively. We’ve talked to lots of survivors and their families to find out ways they cope with strong feelings. Here are a few strategies that have worked for other people. Look over this list with trusted family, friends, or professionals and pick out which ones you think will work for you and your family:

  • Remember that ups and downs are normal parts of life. Realize that your feelings are a common, normal response to your experience. Try to look forward to the ups!
  • Remember that you have the power to control your emotions. You can choose to change the way you feel and the way you react. Your ability to control strong emotions will get better with practice.
  • Stop the cycle before your emotions get too intense. Watch out for early warning signs of intense emotions. It’s harder to calm down once they get out of control.
  • Be hopeful and positive. Say positive things to yourself and others (e.g., “I will make it through this,” “I’m trying my hardest,” “I’m a good person”). Remember that persistence is the best way to solve your problems and avoid failure. Try to keep a good sense of humor.
  • Count your blessings. Think about things you are thankful for. Recognize positive feelings, good things about yourself, and changes for the better.
  • If you can’t do something to make the situation better, don’t make it worse. Sometimes you may feel like there’s nothing you can do to make the situation better. Try to avoid doing silly things that may make the situation worse. Doing nothing may be better.
  • Intense emotions often come in response to stress. Monitor your stress level and take steps to control your stress. Some stress management strategies actually work well for dealing with intense emotions too.
  • Avoid thinking too much about your feelings. Instead, focus on positive steps you can take to feel better.
  • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand other people’s points of view. Think about how they will feel in response to your actions or words. Remember that hurting others won’t make your life better, make people like you, or help you get what you want.
  • Don’t say or do the first thing that comes to mind. Take a deep breath. Count to ten. Get into the habit of thinking about what you want to say or do before you say or do it.
  • Wait and deal with problems when you are calm. Strong emotions will keep you from thinking clearly. Calm yourself down first — count to ten, take a break, or do something relaxing and fun. Then, think about the consequences and possible ways to solve your problems.
  • Remember that nobody can solve all their problems by themselves. Talk to trusted family, friends, and professionals about your feelings and about how they cope with strong emotions. Ask for help when you need it. Doing so will let people know you value their support and offers chances to build relationships.
  • Recognize the difficulties and challenges you face, and how hard you are working to make things better. Give yourself credit when you control your emotions and express your feelings in positive ways.

Sometimes people have trouble helping themselves feel better. Often, you can benefit from support and guidance from others. Talk with trusted family, friends, or professionals about your feelings. Also, consider joining a support group, so you can learn from others about how they’ve dealt successfully with similar emotions.



This column was written by Laura Taylor and Jeff Kreutzer from the VCU TBI Model System Family Support Research Program. For more information about the program, please contact Laura at 804.828.3703 or taylorla@vcu.edu.

Posted on BrainLine April 30, 2009.

From the National Resource Center for Traumatic Brain Injury, Virginia Commonwealth Model Systems of Care. Reprinted with permission. www.neuro.pmr.vcu.edu.

Comments (4)

How does a person get away from themselves? I am an awful person and wouldn't want anyone to put up with with me and wouldn't dream of asking.

How can I get past depression when I don't care if I do or not because I can't stand the emotions I feel because I can't control any of it. It is beyond reason when you go for weeks with no sleep or never relax.

My husband had a craniotomy due to brain cancer and I have survived three hemorrhagic strokes.  We have found several wonderful support groups through the "National Stroke Association". 1-800-STROKES (787-6537), menu option 3.

If you call that number they might have a person who can help you. You didn't' have a stroke but the symptoms are the same. A person with a brain injury would fit in perfectly. You also could try a Brain Tumor Support Group.  Also search for on-line groups.  I sincerely hope you can get help.

Where can one find support groups for this? I checked off about all of the elements in the list.  I went from having a photographic memory to have one that remembers long term about 50% of the time I learn something new.  Lost nearly all of my previous linguistic abilities and cannot read my books as well as I used to be able to do.  Definitely not who I was.