Marriage Tips for Families Living with TBI and PTSD

How grateful I am for article's on line. We live in a very small town and there is not help or support out here. My husband suffers from a very serious TBI. he flies off the handle. Is constantly telling me he is going to leave me and then he is sorry and he loves me. Angry outbursts that sometimes last for days. I am going to use the tricks in this article. However I always feel guilty because sometimes I resent him and i know its NOT his fault. Am I the only one who feels this way ?

I read almost all these comments even the replies and I feel I can relate to each and everyone!

My wife and I (same-sex marriage) were dual military (Army) we met in AIT, I went to Korea for my first station and she got stateside after my one year I ended up getting station with her and we linked back up. I did 4 years and suffer PTSD and Anxiety due to sexual trauma; she did 6 years with a tour to Afghanistan and suffers from severe PTSD and a TBI that was caused by a drunk driver not long after getting back from Afghanistan, leaving a scar across her forehead.

I love the woman I fell in love with and married, its now been 7 years together and 5 years with PTSD/TBI. We’re young, we got together young and I am struggling with life everyday for the past 5 years. I don’t know if she’s going to wake up in a good mood or a piss poor attitude mood but of course it’s my fault anyways so I’m constantly walking on eggshells. When she first got back I didn’t notice the changes right away but then bam it smacked me right in the face! Up until this past year I let the outburst and the blaming me because I don’t know what combat PTSD is like with a TBI, and the name calling, and fighting over petty stuff that she wants a divorce, and her telling me what I needed to do and change to better our marriage, and who our friends will be or not be, close family members to me are now ruined relationships because she has blown up on them personally and they don’t understand, even getting me fired from a civilian job, and stop nursing school so I could be taking care of her otherwise she’d be blowing up my phone. But she graduated from college..
She’s had a few suicide attempts, even one where I had to call cops to the house and she reverts back to it constantly and calling me a cop caller, and I’m pathetic, and not to worry she’ll take herself out when the time is right, and wishing she would have just pulled the trigger when she had the chance. Family and friends tell me all the time this marriage will kill me. We’ve also went through a bankruptcy. And what I dislike the most is people feel sorry for me when all I want to do is stick by her side but I’ve become this person I don’t even recognize anymore. I’ve allowed my self-pride and my best interest walk away because I started making up excuses for her and allowing the behavior to the point where the damage is done. And I know it says not to dwell on the past but I’m not even myself now. I’ve literally made my health and insanity worse. And I don’t know what to do anymore. She refuses to seek treatment because of bad experiences, she won’t take the medication anyways, there is just no reasoning with her. It’s her way because she knows. I can barley voice my opinions on a good topic because it can turn sour real fast! But I will not divorce her and I tell her that all the time, I’m in this for the long haul and we will get through this together because if I leave her I could not deal with the consequences if she were to commit suicide. She’s my everything and I will continue to love her in sickness and in health. I just hope there’s a breakthrough.

The thing that helped me the most was to learn about PTSD, how all the symptoms start out as survival mechanisms in the brain. The ability to move before you think, the startle response, keeps you alive, but it can become a problem later. To go from fine into a killing rage can save your life but it isn't so helpful in the home. The ability to rapidly adapt to what is going on so you can live or help others means that what was horrifying the first time becomes everyday (emotional numbing) so they also go numb when we are upset and say and think "What's your problem?" My husband and I laugh about this today (55 years married) because he told me that he was weirded out when I would get upset and think "Is anyone shooting? What's the problem?" They have a different conception of what is upsetting. I have it now too.
Another thing that helped me was finding about that chronic PTSD causes depleted cortisol, the hormone that calms you down after you get mad. Once I realized that our fights went on and on because of theis and not because he was a nasty person, I stopped fighting. I would say "Uhuh" or "You may be right (often thinking on Mars)," and let it go. I don't have depleted cortisol or PTSD, so I walk away. There is a saying, "Would you rather be right or happy?" I'd rather be happy.
I also know he is not comfortable going to crowded places or visiting people he does not know, so I respect that. If I need to go, I go, but I don't try to make him.
I could go on but I have written a lot about this in my book, Recovering from the War, and on my website, patiencepress.com. It is all from the point of view of a wife.

Husband has PTSD and depression, tried to commit suicide few times when he came out of military. Served for 6 years. Also suffered sexual trauma during his time stationed in the US. We got married and he acts like it wasn't this sacred important time of our life. Says we should get divorced. Then tries to be nice, making effort etc. Doesn't shower for weeks on end, very selfish calls me names etc. Really don't know what to do. We have no children. But I do love him dearly. Moved across the world to be with him. He doesn't seem to appreciate it at all.

I have to add: I have a husband whose vehicle was hit with seven IEDs with six weeks in Iraq. He is extremely hard to deal with, has suicidal issues and experiences no joy in his life. No amount of my caregiving can fix him and his issues have robbed our son and I the normalcy that everyone deserves. I put so much effort into trying to create a peaceful home that the suggestions in this article are only “more work” for me so I have no energy or desire to put more work into something that will not work anyway. This may sound harsh, but this is the reality and the ugliness for many spouses who know my struggles because they are in my same situation.

This is such a wonderful article and I think super helpful. The more tools for Vets and Families helps improve the chances that they will stay connected and cohesive with the family unit. Recovery and treatment is also key and this goes for all the family members involved. Treatment programs include inpatient, outpatient, NAMI, and Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Therapy. I think the more spouses that complete some form of treatment will have better outcomes in the long term.

It's very hard dealing with a tbi person especially in a marriage. I'm 22 & hes 19 it will be two years since he's been hit by a car really bad and sometimes I throw in the towel because I have had no professional help. I have to read about it on google so I can know the difference of what's going on with him I would do anything to help him get better. We've been married for 3 weeks and one day and it's even more arguments but I feel like we have to have help to get through this

To the lovely lady who has been "dealing", with her husbands issues for 45 years. I first of all give you props, not many couples make it that long any more, most think that giving up is an easy out. I have been learning a lot about TBI, and PTSD, my husband has both. I have found, that if you change your own mind set, things get a lot better. For example, the word "dealing", while I understand where you are coming from, because it is a daily challenge, and can be very exhausting, what if you said, I have been helping my husband to work through his daily challenges with.... Or, I have been working with my husbands.... for 45 years. If you erase the negative words that you direct at the situations, and look at them more as a challenge to love your husband, I have found more success. I give a lot of positive reinforcement, and if he does something that irritates me, or if he has an explosive moment, I either ignore it, or I acknowledge it with, I'm sorry your frustrated right now, or, I didn't mean to upset you. Then I will give him some space, and he usually comes to me, and apologizes, and tells me what the real issue was. I hope this helps. Just putting my experiences out there incase anyone else might find success with my trials. God bless, and good luck. 

I really wish I'd found this site a week or two ago!!!  I have severe PTSD and just started treatment about 2 months ago.  I'm irritable and angry, easily overwhelmed, weepy.  I fought with my husband often because of my issues.  He is not perfect!  Not by far, but he is a good man.  I left him last Friday and filed for divorce because I couldn't get the fighting to stop.  He had no supports to manage living with me... and I can't cope with his issues on top of trying to manage my own emotions.

Great insights here! I use some of these strategies in my own marriage. I love the "always" and "never" tip! Thanks!

To the one who wrote on Feb 5th - how can you not know me and know my world, my private world so well? Those are thoughts I have never vocalized but have run through my mind. My husband and I are 10 years into PTSD and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. But and there is always a but, we are getting better at living with it. In the dark days that usually seem to be weeks he often fails at suggestion #3 and I fall short on #8 but the tip that was not given, the one that saves us is: have and give grace. Undeserved forgiveness over and over again. PTSD is not what we signed up for but I did agree to forever, sickness and health. I believe if the tables were turned he would be at my side so there at his I remain. I hate PTSD and what it does to him and our family but I do love him. Don't give up.

I agree I have been married 49 years