Friendships often fall apart after someone has a TBI because people don't understand what that person is going through; they might even think he is faking. And in turn, the injured person doesn't understand why his friends have suddenly abandoned him. Loss of relationships and loneliness can be devastating after a brain injury.
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One of the situations that comes up is you have a person, for example
who is injured at work.
And all of their colleagues, they see what happens—
the person was crushed by some falling lumbar.
And their colleagues are like "Oh my gosh, you know we'll be there for you forever."
But, what happens over time is—3 months after the injury the person looks fine.
So, the friends come to visit, and the friends have—
they bring the message back to other people at work, and they say
"Hey, I've seen John."
"He was hurt at the worksite, and he looked bad the first couple of weeks,
but he's looking pretty good right now."
"But, you know what, John says that his doctor tells him
that he's got really bad memory problems, and he's not coordinated,
and he can't multitask anymore, and—but when I looked at him
he looked really normal to me."
"I couldn't actually tell that there was anything wrong with him, but
he's saying that he is so bad off because he had this brain injury—
he's so bad off that he can't work anymore."
And, so then what happens is the guys at work start thinking
"Oh my gosh, he's kind of figured out how to beat the system."
"We'd all like to get paid, and we'd all like to collect money for doing nothing."
In the meantime, here's this person who has been hurt,
who is following his doctor's directions not to go back to work
because if he goes back to work he's going to have another pile of lumbar fall on him,
or get hit by a fork truck that is backing up and he can't—
doesn't have the coordination to get out of the way.
So, here's his friends thinking he's got an easy life,
and he's living off the system, and they don't want to talk to him
because they wish they were in his situation where they cold get paid for doing nothing.
And here he is thinking "These people—I worked with these guys for 5 or 10 years
they don't—they said they were going to come visit me—
they came a couple times and now they won't return my phone calls."
And that's when people start to think "Nobody cares about me."
And when people think "Nobody cares about me"
they begin to think they're worthless.
And when people begin to think they're worthless, they get really depressed.
And that, to some extent, is the root of some depresion that people face.
Imagine if tomorrow—let's say you have 5 or 10 or 15 really good friends—
imagine if all of a sudden tomorrow—you as a person who didn't have a brain injury—
people just stopped returning your calls.
People you text once or twice, or 4 or 5 or 10 times a day—
they stop replying to your text messages
The people you called and spoke with once or twice a day, or once or twice a week—
they stopped returning your phone calls.
You would begin to wonder what happened or what you did or what was wrong with you
because nobody wants to talk to you.
And if nobody wants to talk to you, nobody cares about you.
And it's really a difficult situation.
And it really takes people a while to figure out and understand what's happened.
Because if all of your friends stopped returning your texts,
and they stopped returning your phone calls,
you tend to take it personally.
"There is something really wrong with me."
And, it's bad enough that people have a brain injury, but then they start thinking that
you know, they are socially undesirable,
they're outcasts, they are not worthy of anybody's friendship.
And you hear people talk about self esteem—
that's the other damage that occurs with this.
It causes a horrible devastation to people's self esteem.
And what this is about is the loss of relationships.
Produced by Victoria Tilney McDonough, Justin Rhodes, and Ashley Gilleland, BrainLine.
Jeffrey Kreutzer, PhD,
Jeffrey S. Kreutzer, PhD, ABPP, is the Rosa Schwarz Cifu Professor of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU), Medical College of Virginia Campus. There, he is also a professor of Neurosurgery and Psychiatry. Dr. Kreutzer serves as director of Virginia's federally designated Traumatic Brain Injury Model System and coordinates VCU Health System outpatient services for families and persons with brain injury.
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Comments [7]
Both sides in the intimate relationship have it very rough. Most of the time Family and Friends become too busy with their own lives to stand up and help out which would actually help both of them. Carers don't get a chance for weekend breather and rejuvenation. TBI includes STROKES by the way. A tremendous amount is lacking to assist both in our "Care" system. Where's the Respite Care? The Positive Motivation Station? A real support effort is needed! And you Drs and Therapists out there saying, "This is the best you will ever be" are real s---s! You need to be saying, "There's so much room for improvement but you will see it in smaller increments and almost out of the blue if you keep working at it!" Quote me on it!
I lost my whole family and all my friends from my TBI. People still treat me like I\'m a third grader even years after my surgeries. They still think they can catch it like it was some spreadable virus. I still can\'t find a job, homeless number of times with no one wanting to help. I want to hold up a big sign saying\" I\'m still a normal human being with feelings as before my TBI\"I just face it I\'ll always be alone. Treated it like a outcast.
I was in a car accident at age 20, almost 15 years ago, and have been dealing with my TBI ever since. I have had minimal help or support from my family members. For years they either assumed I was faking my injury or treated my like I was severely mentally handicapped and could not do anything for myself. I was always a roller coaster of emotions and caused me all kinds of anxiety and stress. Friendships that I had had from grade school fell apart, and I didn't know who I could trust. Now so many years later I am still learning who I am now as a person, and have just started morning loss of the person I was before I suffered the Traumatic Brain Injury.
My husband fell off a ladder in 2010. After 3 yrs. of being emotional and mentally drained from not doing anything right, I had a nervous breakdown and was in the hospital for a week. I have gone to counsling, but he thinks he doesn't need the help. My kids who are adults are gone and I have know one in my family who lives close to help, but my husbands family thinks he is fine. They don't see every day what I go through. My husband has drained all our assets. We are now in forecloser and file Chapter 7. I can no longer put my heat and soul into this marriage. His health is bad because of his diabites and he eats whatever he wants. I'm seperated from him at the moment. I have lost everything after 31 yrs of marriage. I thought if I left it would be a wake up call. It's even worse. I have to start my life over at age 56. I hope he will get the help he needs.
My partner had his severe TBI a year ago yesterday. I am failing carer, because i am leaving. everywhere I look are criticisms of family and friends that have 'abandoned' people with TBI, and were therefore 'insencere' in the first place. It is not easy to be criticised and belittled every day, to be yelled at, called dreadful names and denograted in front of family and friends. To be told you are always wrong. always dumb. To be told all the issues are your fault, and therefore they do not need to seek counselling, to admit emotional and behaviour probelms to therapists, or take the medications. So yes, i cannot understand how hard it is for people with TBI. But it is also not easy for carers. For 6 months I was in the hospital all day every day. My love was sincere. But i just can't cope anymore.
I am seven year's years out from my TBI. when I went through rehab I had to mourn the person I used to be and accept the person I am now. I have a wall of my accolades pre-TBI. Awards from three different Governors, Letters of praise from Commissioners. I see the photos and know that guy, but I am not him anymore. My wife commented last night as I watched a show on TV and laughed out loud, she says the years of no laughter and silence were the hardest part. I was injured on the job in 1987, 12 spine surgeries to date. I retired in 2000 because of the spinal injuries and suffered the TBI in 2006. I tell people I would do all of those surgeries again if it could erase the brain injury. I am now a fifty one year old college student who is trying to find my place again in this world. Faith and hope persist even in pain. Love that is enduring will survive and friends that quit calling are not the friends I need.
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Dr. Jeffrey Kreutzer voices the loss of relationships so well, I began to think. . .has he experienced this? Thanks Doc, for years I wondered why no one addresses the self-esteem issues. Suicide is also an issue no one wants to touch. It's a reality, and if everyone thinks it will just go away. . . when will people stop ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room?
Apr 22nd, 2013 7:59pm