Healing Your Marriage After Brain Injury Jeff Kreutzer and Emilie Godwin, Virginia Commonwealth University Page 1 of 2

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  On April 24, 2009, BrainLine had the opportunity to sit down with Dr. Kreutzer and Dr. Stejskal to talk about their work with people with traumatic brain injury and their families. Produced by Victoria Tilney McDonough and Brian King. Transcript of this video.
• BrainLine Talks with Dr. Jeffrey Kreutzer and Dr. Taryn Stejskal About How TBI Can Affect Marriage
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  BrainLine talks with Jason and Susannah Ferguson about Jason's traumatic brain injury which he suffered in a car accident. The couple discusses how the injury has affected family life, their marriage, and outlook on life. Produced by Victoria Tilney McDonough and Brian King at the 2008 Williamsburg Brain Injury Services Conference. Transcript of the video.
• BrainLine Talks with Jason and Susannah Ferguson About Family and TBI
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  On April 24, 2009, BrainLine had the opportunity to sit down with Dr. Kreutzer and Dr. Stejskal to talk about their work with people with traumatic brain injury and their families. Produced by Victoria Tilney McDonough and Brian King. Transcript of this video.
• BrainLine Talks with Dr. Jeffrey Kreutzer and Dr. Taryn Stejskal About Working with Couples in Crisis
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  An interview with Sarah Wade and retired Army Sergeant Edward "Ted" Wade. Following the attacks of September 11, Ted was called on to serve first in Afghanistan and later in Iraq. On February 14, 2004, his humvee was hit by an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) on a mission in Al Mahmudiyah. He sustained a severe TBI, suffered a transhumeral traumatic amputation, multiple fractured bones, soft tissue shrapnel injuries, and complications due to acute anemia, hypergycemia, and infections. Though SGT Wade remained in a coma for more two months, and withdrawal of life support was discussed, he made a remarkable recovery. Transcript of this video.
• BrainLine Talks with Sarah and Ted Wade About Their Personal Story
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  Lee Woodruff (co-author of In an Instant: A Family's Journey of Love and Healing) talks about her experience with her husband, ABC News Anchor Bob Woodruff, who sustained a brain injury while reporting in Iraq. Transcript of the video. From the Wounded Troops and Partners: Supporting Intimate Relationships Conference, 2008. Sponsored by the Morehouse School of Medicine Center of Excellence for Sexual Health, Disabilities, Chronic Conditions and Sexual Health Program. Http://cesh.msm.edu.
• Lee Woodruff Speaks on Supporting Intimate Relationships
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  Caron Gan, a marriage and family therapist talks about common issues after TBI. Produced by Victoria Tilney McDonough and Brian King.  Transcript of this video.
• Caron Gan Talks About Spouses After Injury
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  Brain injury can deeply affect a marriage. When do you know it's time to seek couples therapy?
• When Should a Couple Seek Help
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  Dr. Jeffrey Kreutzer and Dr. Tayrn Strejskal talk about their work as teachers and doctors.
• Family Counseling Services After Brain Injury

Couples often report big changes in their marriage after injury. Professionals who work with them often find that people face common challenges in rebuilding their lives and relationships as they try to find a new normal. By understanding common post-injury challenges and learning to use effective coping strategies, you can improve your marriage and build a healthy, satisfying relationship.

The following three stories illustrate some of the typical situations couples face after brain injury:

Stephen and Jenna

Stephen and Jenna had just two months to go until their dream wedding when their lives were changed forever. Driving home after choosing their wedding cake, a tractor trailer crashed into their car. While Jenna suffered minor physical injuries, Stephen sustained a severe TBI. Now, one year post-injury, the couple is married, but life is not the fairy tale they had hoped for before the crash.

Jenna: Before the injury, we planned everything together, but now I have to do it all. When I try to talk to him about important things — the bills, our future — he gets irritated with me. I don’t know how to talk to him anymore and I don’t know how long this marriage will last.

Stephen: Jenna and I used to be partners; now it’s her show. She doesn’t trust me to make any decisions. She acts like I’m a bother if I need her to repeat or explain something. I feel worthless in our marriage. In her eyes, I can’t do anything right.

* * *

Lamont and Deandria

Lamont and Deandria had come to a conclusion that their marriagewasn’t working. They had begun to live theirlives separately, maintaining different homeswhile sharing responsibility for their threechildren. Then, Deandria fell off of a ladderand sustained a mild TBI. Although she wasonly briefly hospitalized, it soon became clear that she could not return to her same job orcare for the children on her own. The coupledecided to move back in together and rebuildtheir marriage.

Deandria: I was happy to be on my own, working onmy career and taking care of our kids. Noweverything I thought I wanted is different. Ican’t make him understand that there arethings I just can’t do, no matter how much Iwant to. My focus is on getting better and allLamont talks about is how I used to be. Whycan’t he understand that my priorities aredifferent now?

Lamont: Sometimes I feel so guilty. We both wantedout, but now she needs me and I don’t havethat choice anymore. Plus, she’s not thewoman I married. She used to love beinga mom and helping others in her job. Nowall she thinks about is herself. The kids andI know that she’s hurt, but it’s like that isall that matters to her. If we’re going to betogether again, I need a partner. I want mywife back.

* * *

Sarah and Carlos

Sarah and Carlos had been happily married for 18 years. Carlos worked in a job he loved and Sarah stayed home with their four children. After Carlos suffered a stroke, the couple spent the first six months just focusing on his rehab. However, two years later, their lives are not back to normal. With Carlos unable to return to work, Sarah has taken a part-time job while Carlos stays home with the children. The family now has one-fourth of their former income and everyone is struggling to make sense of this new life.

Sarah: He’s just angry all the time now and I don’tknow what to expect when I walk in the door.I don’t want this life either, but somehow itseems to be all my fault. I can’t stand to bearound him for more than a few minutesand the kids are scared of him all of the time.

Carlos: I loved being able to provide for my family. Now, I feel like I’m nobody. Sarah rubs it in my face that she’s the one working and when I try to work around the home it seems like I never do anything the way she thinks it should be done. I still love her so much, but I’m pretty sure she will leave me soon. She goes out at least two nights a week and says it’s with her new co-workers, but I know better than that.

* * *

The “Healthy Marriage” Quiz

To help you understand more about your marriage, read the statements in each section below and circle True or False.

1. Communication Challenges:

My spouse has no idea how I am feeling.

• True
• False

Talking about our problems only makes things worse.

• True
• False

We are always arguing about something.

• True
• False

He/she doesn’t hear anything I say.

• True
• False

2. Changing Responsibilities:

I have to do everything myself.

• True
• False

We don’t know who should do what in our house anymore.

• True
• False

My spouse acts more like a child than our children.

• True
• False

I can’t trust my spouse to do things right.

• True
• False

3. Changing Priorities:

We’re so busy going to doctor’s appointments, who has time to work on a marriage?

• True
• False

We don’t have an intimate relationship anymore.

• True
• False

He/she used to care about our family, now I’m not so sure.

• True
• False

4. Emotional & Personality Changes:

My spouse gets upset at anything I say or do.

• True
• False

I’m married to a stranger.

• True
• False

I’m worried all the time about what he/she will do next?

• True
• False

Look at the pattern of Trues and Falses in each of the four categories. The more items you answered True, the more likely you are having trouble in that area.

Tips to Heal Your Marriage

Read, think about, and try the suggestions below to improve your marriage:

This article was written by the staff of the Virginia Commonwealth Traumatic Brain Injury Model System. For more information about our programs (www.nrc.pmr.vcu.edu) and conferences (www.tbiconferences.org), please vist our websites or email Jenny Marwitz at  jhmarwit@vcu.edu. Article used with permission.

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