Page Utilities
Suzanne Geffen Mintz, Capital Books (page 1 of 8) Page 1 of 8
CHAPTER 4
Building Confidence and Capabilities: Making Choices, Taking Charge
YOU are the only person who can take charge of YOUR life.
—Jane Hedrick, Jenks, OK
Often people become caregivers suddenly, without warning. Your husband was diagnosed with cancer and requires extensive chemotherapy. Your teenage son had a car accident and is brain injured, unable to think clearly and respond appropriately. Your mother had a stroke that left her without use of her right side.
At other times, caregiving creeps up on you. You know dad is forgetting things, and you slowly start taking on some administrative tasks and calling more often, until one day you realize he no longer has the capacity to live safely on his own. Regardless of how you became a caregiver, whether it was a terrible shock or somehow slipped up on you, in the "hubbub" of the day-to-day routine, amidst the reorientation of your schedule, the search for resources, and the fears about the future, you probably never stopped to think about exactly what happened. You probably didn't devise a plan to help you deal with the present situation or look ahead to what the future had in store. If you are like most family caregivers, you just went into autopilot and started to do, and do, and do. Somewhere along the line, however, it is vitally important that you stop, take a breath, and try to gain some control over the situation, rather than letting the situation control you. It is vitally important that you choose to take charge of your life.
If you don't [take charge of your life], you will become bitter and resentful, and your self-esteem will ultimately suffer. You will lose sight of the reason you chose to become a caregiver in the first place, which is because you love that person and want what's best for them.
—Kim Barrett, Port Orange, FL
What does that mean—choose to take charge of your life? Obviously you cannot control everything that happens to you or to your loved one. If you could you would make their illness or disability go away. You would banish caregiving from your life and bask in the heady air of health, wellness, and "normalcy." But even though you don't have that power, you do have the power to make active choices about how you are going to deal with the caregiving circumstances of your life.
Attitude
Everything negative has a positive side. Keep on looking until you find it.
—Betty S. Katz, Deerfield Beach, FL
A caregiver cannot take charge. The loved one's condition changes. . . . You can merely co-exist, maintain some sense of self, and plan for better days.
—Martha Harnit, Eustis, FL
Perhaps the most important choice you have to make is how you are going to approach life from here on out. You can choose to drink the sour and acidic juice of lemons, or you can try to make lemonade out of them. You can view life as a glass that is half empty or one that is half full, and if you choose the latter view you will inevitably be a happier and healthier person. You will also be a more peaceful and loving caregiver, and more capable of proactive action on behalf of yourself and the person you care about and for.
That's because attitude impacts action. Our inner thoughts propel our outward movement. If you put on the mask of self-pity, then you'll shoot a hole in every idea or suggestion that well-meaning people offer. If you wallow in the waters of negativity, you just may drown. I know. I wallowed for a very long time and I paid the price in multiple ways.
Just fake it! Act as if . . . then it makes it easier to be cheerful. Soon, you will actually feel positive. It's a decision, not a feeling.
—Nancy James, Odessa, TX
I'm not suggesting that you be a Pollyanna. That doesn't make any sense either. Complete denial of your changed situation has as many negative side effects as wearing a hair shirt. What I am suggesting is that you recognize that you do have choices. There may be more difficult choices now that you are a family caregiver and have a loved one dependent on you in ways you never imagined. It is also true that some of life's options that were once open may now be closed to you and your family, but life still offers options and choices, and recognizing that will help you have a life that is rich and good and full, albeit in different ways than it was before. So much depends on our attitude.
Evie, the friend I mentioned before, is the perfect example of a family caregiver who revels in life and always finds its silver lining. She refers to herself as a realistic optimist. She says:
I have always believed that all the information we need and want is out there in the universe. But it doesn't just appear. You have to believe it is there and make the effort to find it. You have to believe that flowers can grow from rocky soil.
I must admit I'm not like Evie. At times I tend to see the negative side of situations first. I can't immediately see the good that comes out of the bad, the rainbow after the downpour. That's why it is so good to have a friend like Evie. She can always help me see things through a brighter lens.
A positive attitude requires constant attention and practice.
—Judy Black, Portland, OR
How do you view your glass, as half empty or half full? Caregiving may bring forth a common grab bag of emotions, but how we deal with them is very individual and reflects our attitude toward life in general.
A year after Cindy and I went on our respite to the beach we were fortunate enough to have the opportunity to go again, but at the last minute she had to cancel, so I went by myself. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I'm glad I did. I needed to do some thinking and soul searching, and this gave me the opportunity.
It was a rather sad time for Steven and me because he had recently gotten his first wheelchair, the scooter no longer being sufficient for his needs. Although the wheelchair definitely made our day-to-day life easier, it was a symbol of his growing disability. It caused the old emotional wound that started with the diagnosis to reopen, and so once again I had to confront my fears about disability and our future, my sadness and my pain, and Steven had to confront his as well.
From A Family Caregiver Speaks Up: It Doesn't Have to Be This Hard by Suzanne Geffen Mintz, Chapter 4 "Building Confidence and Capabilities: Making Choices, Taking Charge." Capital Books, Inc., 2007. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved. www.capital-books.com.
See All TBI Topics