TBI Purgatory Geo Gosling Page 1 of 4

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Comes After Being in TBI Hell

Chapter 4: Anger (and Hate) 

Ever since my TBI, I have had major anger issues. Why? Well, let’s see: I lost everything I had worked so hard to gain, I am in constant pain, my speech is awful, I live by myself, I have no “career,” my friends have their own lives to deal with, I am bored, I have no social life except for the time I spend hanging-out in a coffee shop and I can’t participate in any of the outdoor activities that I had previously enjoyed, except golf. I have a very limited income. Things are not looking up at all. If anyone were in this situation, injured brain or not, they would be pretty angry…and depressed. Then throw in the fact that the person in that situation has a brain that doesn’t work quite right, and it is not surprising that anger, depression, and hate become huge issues. 

I mentioned previously that I did everything s–l–o–w–l–y, except get mad totally furious. I would become extremely agitated at the most insignificant events. I would become furious with someone if I didn’t like the tone of their voice when they asked me a question or if they didn’t understand what I was trying to say. It’s a good thing I now had physical limitations or else there would be a few less people living on planet Earth. I’m serious; I would get so mad at people I could have killed them with my bare hands.

Fortunately, the chances of me getting my hands on someone were extremely small. I might have gotten my hands on a blind old lady in a wheelchair but that’s about it. All someone had to do to escape my wrath was take a couple of quick steps in any direction or give me a slight tap on either shoulder.

The problem was, I couldn’t control my anger. I would feel it begin to swell up inside me but I couldn’t stop it. Oh no! Here it comes. Look out! There were a few people whose heads I would have loved to just repeatedly bash in, but fortunately I never would have been able to get those people into that position, mainly because I move so slow. Just thinking about my lack of physical ability would upset me even more.God they piss me off, but there is not a blankity blank blank thing I can do about it! Stupid brain injury! I hate my brain! I’ll kill ‘em! No, wait. That’s too good for them. I’ll give them a brain injury and let them suffer for the rest of their miserable life!

When someone suffers a brain injury, the law requires that his driver’s license be revoked. I had to go through all the same rigmarole I went through in high school in order to get my drivers license. After I was re-issued my drivers license and began driving, my anger issue reared its ugly head. Don’t worry, I didn’t exhibit the typical “road rage” because I physically couldn’t. I did however, let a lot of drivers know I was not happy with them. I was constantly yelling “F--- you” to people. I considered attaching a small cylinder, or some such thing to the outside of my driver’s side door and filling it with sunscreen. That way I could dip my middle finger in the cylinder and give people “the finger” without getting sunburned. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time behind the wheel with my middle finger exposed. I’m lucky I didn’t get my cute little hinny kicked at least once.

For the first few years after I started driving I would get so mad at other drivers, just driving to the local store, that I could barely function. Fortunately, I am slowly, but surely, conquering my version of “road rage,” which is just getting mad at people. I no longer need sunscreen for my finger.

I was mad at myself for being so stupid that I got myself into this mess in the first place. I was angry with everyone who worked in the wine industry because I couldn’t work in that industry anymore, and I wanted to. I was angry with anyone who I perceived as happy and “successful” because I was certainly not happy and “successful” and I wanted to be. Who doesn’t want to be happy and successful? For this reason, I truly hated everyone and everything. I couldn’t think of anyone, whose death would upset me. Well on second thought, I might have been upset because death would have been too good for certain people. I would much rather see these “certain people” get brain injuries so they could see what it was like. At the time, “My cup runneth over with hate.”

I was not happy with my life. I watched way too much TV, but there wasn’t a whole lot else I could do. I had friends but their “normal” lives did not intersect too well with me dealing with my not so “normal” life. What I mean is that I didn’t have anything in common with them anymore. I didn’t have a career. I didn’t have kids. I didn’t have a wife. I didn’t do any of the activities that I used to do and that my friends still did.

I was paralyzed with anger. I’m not exaggerating for effect. I would get so mad at the smallest, most insignificant events, that my brain would just “freeze.” I would get so stiff and my muscles would get so tense and tight that they could barely move. My mouth just would not function. Just relax. Take it easy. It’s no big deal. Everything will be fine. That’s what I told myself. However my brain, since it was frozen, would not, or maybe could not, do what I was telling it to do. It would take me a good half an hour to get “un-paralyzed.”  There is no “anti-anger” medication. If there were, I would certainly have tried to get some. I needed to release a lot of anger. Uncontrollable anger was certainly new to me.

Before my TBI, I was very mellow and easy going. Prior to my crash, I was given a shirt that said “Whatever” on the front. It was my favorite t-shirt because it summed-up my attitude towards events, thoughts, and actions that I didn’t like, or disagreed with.  I never got all that upset because I would think, “Oh whatever” and then continue on my merry way. However, for the first ten or eleven years after my bicycle crash, it would have been accurate to give me a T-shirt that said “Revetahw” (that’s “Whatever” spelled backwards), because I would react to situations the exact opposite way I previously had. As of this writing, my shirt should say “Wahtevre” because I’m getting closer and closer to my pre-TBI disposition, but I’m not quite there yet.

Excerpted from TBI Purgatory: Comes After Being in TBI Hell by Geo Gosling. © 2010, Geo Gosling. Used with permission. For more information on TBI Purgatory, go to http://outskirtspress.com/tbipurgatory.

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