I'll Carry the Fork: Recovering a Life After Brain Injury Kara Swanson, Rising Star Press Page 4 of 4

Life sometimes seems so much easier if you compare yourself to others who have it worse than you. I knew I could have easily been more severely impaired, cognitively and physically. I could have died. But when you compare yourself to your old self, it’s hard as hell. Late at night, I cried. When I thought about who I used to be and what I used to be able to do, I felt frightened and alone. Then the self-pity would kick in, and that made me feel ashamed.

Therapy became the place where I could begin the process of grieving for the life I had lost: something I sorely needed, and one of the hardest aspects of my recovery. The task was made more difficult by denial and the sickening feeling that I was somehow selfishly cursing Fate. I was detached from this person that didn’t work right anymore.

I didn’t like this person. I looked at my legs with a strange curiosity as they ignored my commands and slopped and sputtered. I felt like an impostor. I feared that the longer this new person leased my body, the closer she came to owning it. And I was scared that people would forget, that I would forget, the person I was before. I knew I had to find her but I had no idea how or where to begin looking.

Learn more about Kara Swanson and see some of her brain blogs.

From I'll Carry the Fork by Kara L. Swanson, published by Rising Star Press. Copyright ©1999 and 2003 by Kara L. Swanson. Used with permission.  www.risingstarpress.com. To read author Kara Swanson's blog, go to karaswanson.wordpress.com.
 

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