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Perfectly Imperfect Lee Woodruff, Random House (page 6 of 8) Page 6 of 8

I remember when Bob and I visited Jose, a young marine with a severe brain injury, in Bethesda Naval Hospital. Since Jose’s arms and wrists were still raw with wounds and crisscrossed with tubes, I chose to focus on his feet. I rubbed them as I talked to him, wanting just to give him that basic physical human contact. Jose’s mother and sister said that they could see him relax instantly, because someone was treating him like a person and not a patient. Simple acts can go a long way toward restoring dignity to a human being.

4. ESTABLISH A HEALTHY INFORMATION EXCHANGE

This means three things: not demanding information from a patient or caregiver; sharing information that may help a patient or caregiver; and knowing what to keep to yourself.

In moments of crisis, everyone wants information, and many people deserve to get it from the source, since lines of communication can be confusing and not knowing can be terrifying. Luckily, the Internet has made it much, much easier to disseminate information and update family and friends. There are incredibly helpful websites devoted to caring for someone, such as CarePages and CaringBridge, which act as a lifeline for friends and loved ones during times of crisis. A person can post messages about their own condition or their loved one’s progress on a Web page for others to read. These sites also offer a place where people can write messages of encouragement to a patient, so that he or she can check in when it is convenient. This ensures that the individuals in the crisis don’t have to spend precious energy reaching out to everyone, returning phone calls, or even sending mass emails.

When you’re visiting someone going through a difficult time, don’t ask questions that make them recount the whole ordeal, the facts and statistics, or the road ahead. They may not want to talk about the issue at all. Just take their lead when it comes to conversation. Resist the urge to share your own stories about similar illnesses or diseases and other people you know. Many people think that comparisons are comforting or hopeful, but these stories can actually be terrifying or even insulting. More general encouraging comments or expressions of sup-port — such as “I know how hard this is because I watched my mother struggle with cancer” — may be a better way to let the person know that you understand some of what they are going through.

Also, this is not the best time to try to rekindle a two-way friendship that has been a “Christmas card” relationship for years. If you want to let a person know you are there for them, a newsy written note or email with no requirement for a reply is a wonderful gift. It can be digested when the time is right. I loved reading through cards and notes before bed, since it made me feel connected to and comforted by the people who were caring about, and praying for, me and my family.

Some of the biggest gifts were the “Bob stories” people shared with me in their notes and letters. I read about humorous or kind moments people remembered, some I had never before heard about. As with those who have lost a loved one, I cherished these letters over those with general expressions of sympathy because they brought me closer to Bob at a time when he wasn’t present.

Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to simply listen to the person you wish to comfort. Be sure to let them know you are there whenever they need to talk, anytime. You don’t always have to have a solution or good advice; sometimes people just need to unburden themselves, or simply say things out loud.

5. AVOID OVERMOTHERING

Certain physiological things happen as a result of stress or grief. The normal circuits in the body are altered; adrenaline floods the physical plant, and the endocrine, circulatory, and digestive systems may go through drastic physical changes. The caregiver, as well as the patient, is damaged, in crisis, and sometimes things inside their brains don’t work the way they normally would.

Do not repeatedly tell the caregiver to eat or sleep. They cannot. They are operating on adrenaline, especially in the early stages. Food is only fuel, and sleep is hard to come by. And don’t try too hard to pry the caregiver away from the patient’s bedside for a bite or a walk around the block. They may not ever want to leave their loved one’s side, and that’s just fine. But also remember that if they say they don’t need help with anything, they do. Don’t be afraid to take charge in nonthreatening ways to ease their daily burdens.

While I was camped out during Bob’s stay in the ICU, my friend Lauren knew that I liked decaf lattes, sushi, brownies, and the special corn and crab soup from the hotel room service. In the early days of our own crisis, I would return from the hospital, shattered and in shock, and find these items waiting for me. She didn’t nag me to eat or urge me to care for myself; she just took care of me quietly, because she knew I wasn’t thinking about food.

Often someone will be designated the point person for the family in crisis. They may be in charge of scheduling meals to be brought in or helping with rides for kids. That person will most likely have a good handle on what needs to be done and what the particulars are. Work through that person and respect that channel of communication, especially initially, no matter how close you are to the individual going through the trauma. That point person is there as an important buffer, to spare the rest of the family or the patient from the unnecessary details.

There are wonderful websites like carecalendar.com, foodtidings.com, and livestrong.lotsahelpinghands.com that allow people to sign up to deliver meals or to help with care for others. For the caregiver, this makes the job of assembling a network easier; volunteers can log on at home and participate as needed. And for caregivers and family members of the ill or injured, there are now informational Websites that can help empower them with useful tools that can be downloaded. Partnersagainstpain.com, for example, provides printable templates for pain diaries and medication schedules to help caregivers stay organized. If you are not a family member or close personal friend, helping from a respectful distance, at least initially, is often the best course of action.

Excerpted from Perfectly Imperfect by Lee Woodruff Copyright © 2009 by Lee Woodruff. Excerpted by permission of Random House Group, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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