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Perfectly Imperfect Lee Woodruff, Random House (page 5 of 8) Page 5 of 8

I am frequently approached by people who have been through very difficult experiences with their loved ones, and after sharing their stories, they are quick to minimize what they have endured in relation to my journey. “But my mother’s cancer was nothing like what you went through,” they offer. And I disagree. I say that all of this collective suffering exists on the same frequency of human emotion. Grief is not a competition. Sorrow is sorrow and fear is fear and loss is loss and we humans are all traveling on the same bandwidth in life.

In the past year, since the book I wrote with my husband, In an Instant, was released, I have traveled around the country and met many people and families who have suffered or are suffering. They have journeyed along what I call the grittier pavement of life.

When I relate what I have learned through tragedy and recovery, I see a lot of heads nod. People want to talk about what works for them and what those who have not walked in their shoes should know.

I have often been asked to share these lessons. Therefore, drawing from my own experiences and what others have told me, I have created a list of things to consider if someone you know or love is facing a life-changing trauma. The following tips, while not necessarily novel, seem to have a universal appeal — perhaps because the big moments, the teaching moments in life, are often a series of unplanned, sometimes catastrophic events with no rational explanation. Because, yes, bad things do happen to good people.

1. DON’T HANG BACK — MAKE CONTACT

Though I would venture to say that just about everyone knows someone who has had to face a personal disaster, most people who haven’t experienced a tragedy or serious illness at close range have no concrete idea of how best to approach the person who is suffering. They don’t know exactly what to say or what to do. Everyone wants to get it just right, but it’s frequently hard to gauge what is appropriate.

Coupled with that uncertainty are also very basic, human reactions when someone is sick or injured. Another’s accident or illness often seems to threaten our own lives, reminding us of all the frightening possibilities that could befall our family or loved ones. Sometimes these emotions can be paralyzing. But it is crucial not to hang back: the bravest and most wonderful thing you can do is to be there for someone else, even if this takes you completely out of your comfort zone.

When something goes wrong in a friend’s life, it is essential to acknowledge what is happening. Call people or reach out when you learn they are ill or going through a difficult time. Don’t give up on them if they try at first to push you away, but take your cue from them. If your own emotions won’t allow you to engage the person without making them uncomfortable, step back and write a heartfelt note instead. In either case, do come back — they will need you later on. Make sure they know you love them and care about them. We all need comfort and companionship. We just may need it at different times and in different doses during the journey.

When Bob was injured, I was surprised by some of the people who stepped into the void in amazing ways to help. In many cases they weren’t necessarily the people I had expected. People react to misfortune and mishap in very different ways.

For the people in the vortex of the crisis: it’s important to keep in mind that just because some folks don’t raise their hands to help doesn’t mean they don’t care. An inability to cope with what you are going through could simply mean that friends and acquaintances are nervous or anxious about how best to approach you and tackle the situation.

2. HELP THEM FEEL “NORMAL”

When I was living in a hotel room in Bethesda, with Bob in his coma, one of the many fabulous gifts of help came from my friend Kitty, who lived in D.C. We were trying to convert family videos to DVD format to play in Bob’s room so that he could hear his children’s voices, but we were having trouble. Kitty just showed up, took the tapes, and didn’t ask pointed questions or demand information about Bob’s condition. She never expected to see Bob in the ICU or to get any inside scoop. She told me about her kids and her husband. She entertained me with stories about her workplace. She just came and helped. Two days later the tapes arrived at the hotel desk, all transferred onto DVDs so we could play them for Bob and help his brain knit itself back together.

My friend Colleen sent me a certificate for a massage, which I ultimately used even though I worried about Bob the whole time. Rebecca came to my hotel suite and quietly filled the fridge with healthful food, arranged flowers near the bed, and organized and prioritized all the mail that had been forwarded. She never asked me one prying question about Bob’s condition or prognosis. Instead, she waited until I was ready to talk.

These simple, calming acts and my friends’ way of treating me as “normal” were exactly the tonic I needed. In the midst of the tornado raging around my family, I loved it when people talked to me about their aging parents or the fact that their child needed glasses. My world was so unimaginable, I had lost the language of reciprocity. Sometimes when a person’s life has changed so much, they want to hear what normal sounds like; they want you to treat them as if their world is just like it used to be.

3. RECOGNIZE THE POWER OF HUMAN TOUCH

When you are visiting the person going through a difficult time, treat him or her like a human being — not a patient. Especially with children, get down on their level and look them right in the eyes.

Don’t be afraid to make physical contact. Most illnesses and injuries are not contagious. Touches and hugs are one of the most healing things one person can do for another. Everybody wants to feel like a human being. A loss, illness, or injury gives people a sense of being exiled from the herd, so do whatever you can to make that person comfortable — overlook the tubes and machines they may be hooked up to and just focus on that loved one or friend as an individual.

Excerpted from Perfectly Imperfect by Lee Woodruff Copyright © 2009 by Lee Woodruff. Excerpted by permission of Random House Group, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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