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Compromise: In order for these solutions to work, people have to learn to compromise. By being open to alternatives, you might get part—although maybe not all—of what you want or need. We often hold out for only one solution to a problem, we don't consider other possibilities that could assist us. Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. Learning to graciously receive help offered can also be a struggle, not only for the person who is sick, but also for the person who is the primary caregiver. Being appreciative is the best reward you can give someone who is trying to help you, even if the type of help he/she is offering isn't exactly what you wanted. When you make someone feel good about helping, he/she will want to help again. “Thank you” will take you a long way in working together. In creating the caregiving team, think about how each person should be acknowledged.

Put it in writing: A written agreement capturing the decisions and agreements made at the end of the meeting can be a helpful reminder for family members. Distributing a calendar with different days marked with responsibilities and commitments can also help each person honor the agreements made.

When Do You Need Outside Help? Where Can You Get It?

Although family meetings can be powerful and effective ways to connect and work with family members, they cannot magically solve all the problems of caring for an ill family member. When families have trouble working together or coming to agreements or when the family is divided on a big issue, it often helps to invite a neutral outside facilitator to attend. Sometimes a crisis precipitates the need for a meeting—perhaps someone is in the hospital and major life and death decisions need to be made. Time can be of the essence. Whatever work you have done together earlier will help you at these times of extreme stress.

Social workers from local caregiver organizations (such as Caregiver Resource Centers in California), as well as ministers, private case managers, social workers in home health or hospice, physicians, discharge planners in hospitals and nursing homes can help facilitate a family meeting or refer you to someone who can. Psychotherapists in private practice are trained in family counseling. If you find yourself in a difficult position, you might also want to see a psychotherapist privately. Don't forget the support you can find with friends, colleagues and support groups. Sharing experiences with other caregivers can help ease the feelings and frustrations often involved in being a caregiver.

Recommended Reading

• Share the Care, Cappy Capossela, Sheila Warnock, Simon and Schuster, 1995.
• I'll Take Care of You, Joseph Ilardo, Carole Rothman, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 1999.
• Taking Care of Aging Family Members, Wendy Lustbader, Nancy Hooyman, The Free Press, 1994.
• The Caregiver Helpbook, Vicki Schmall, Marilyn Cleland, Marilynn Sturdevant, Legacy Health System, 2000.
• How to Care for Aging Parents, Virginia Morris, Workman Publishing, 1996.

Resources

Family Caregiver Alliance
180 Montgomery Street, Suite 1100
San Francisco, CA 94104
(415) 434-3388
(800) 445-8106
Web Site: www.caregiver.org
E-mail: info@caregiver.org

Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) seeks to improve the quality of life for caregivers through education, services, research and advocacy.

Through its National Center on Caregiving, FCA offers information on current social, public policy and caregiving issues and provides assistance in the development of public and private programs for caregivers.

For residents of the greater San Francisco Bay Area, FCA provides direct family support services for caregivers of those with Alzheimer's disease, stroke, head injury, Parkinson's and other debilitating disorders that strike adults.

Prepared by Family Caregiver Alliance. Reviewed by John Neville, MD, Spiritual Care Coordinator, Pathways Hospice. Funding provided by the Older Americans Act, administered by the San Francisco Office on the Aging. ©2003 All Rights Reserved.

From the Family Caregiver Alliance. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved. Third-party usage restricted. www.caregiver.org. 800-445-8106.

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